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Author's Note: This article has mature content. If you're under 13 years old, get a parent to read this first. Since you probably won't, reader discretion is advised.
I've lost it. My will, my desire, to have a beating heart, to live. I just want to lay down in my bed, go to sleep, and never wake up. I want to go outside and drown myself beneath the ice of my pool. I want to scream, to shout, to cry, for someone to point a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
Every time someone inflicts emotional pain on me, I hide and I cry. I lock my door, turn my music all the way up, and sob as loud as I need to. Nobody can hear while "Lacrymosa" and "Like You" by Evanescence are booming as loud as my stereo goes. I sob, I yell gibberish at my teddy bears, and then pick up my scissors. I know this is a bad thing to do, but I cut the top of my wrist, just an inch under the joint, and bleed until I feel okay. I make sure none of it gets on me or the bed, or my family would find out and have me institutionalized. When I feel better, I fix it and say something stupid happened. "I fell down the stairs in the basement. It's fine." I'm a clumsy kid, so they believe me.
Today, the person who made me feel better after someone had made me cry broke me. He took away my will to live and told me he doesn't want me anymore. He made sure to have his brother tell me that to. After those painful emails, I didn't turn off my laptop. I just slammed it shut and sat in the corner of my room, crying hysterically. I was blubbering nonsense to a stuffed animal and hugging it to my chest so tightly, I could barely breathe. As the creator of Pon and Zi wrote, teddies don't give good hugs, but sometimes they're all you've got. I grabbed my scissors instinctively and made two slashes on my arm. Two mare slashed I would have to lie about. "The cat did it." "The dog jumped on me." Unbelievable.
I have ultimatums now, ones that I've given myself. Live in pain, knowing that I'll never be whole again but it'll get better and easier to deal with, or put myself six feet under in a final attempt to be pain free. I can't live to see him every other day and think, "At one point, he loved me. At one point, he kept me sane." But I can't risk dying and having him ready to take me back because he made a mistake. I've carefully considered suicide methods before, it would be easy to pick one. I could hang myself with a belt. I could overdose on all of my medicines at once. I could slice open my wrists or my throat. I could do a nice combination of all of them and die in the most gruesome manner ever. I can imagine myself doing it, but can I actually do it?
I've held the scissors vertically to my wrist. But I never pressed down hard enough do end it all in a quick swipe. Every time I cut myself, I see my best friends, Asia, Demarje, Ahjon, Kimo, Wanye, Blake, Jesse, Jordan, Mariah, and my family staring at me disapprovingly. It's as if they're all in the room with me, watching helplessly as I destroy myself. I'm living solely for them now, because if I don't live for myself, I'll live for the people who I care about and care for me. I couldn't imagine seeing them sitting helpless in a funeral home, watching Mo sit cold, still, and lifeless at the front of the room while so many people grieve the loss of me. My family, Demarje, Mariah, and Asia would be torn apart. Demarje is set on having me be the first girl he takes on a date and makes his. Asia has been there for me since third grade. Mariah has been looking to me as an older sister. It's her first year of basketball on an all boys team, and my second, so I've been guiding her through it. I couldn't put them through that pain, I love my family and all of my best friends too much to kill them inside like that.
And so with this being decided, I'm done physically harming myself. I'm throwing away my scissors. I'm seeking mental help. I'm trying to forget what he did to me and live with this. I don't love my life, but I will. In due time.
Monet1616, going to go play basketball with my best friends, excluding Asia.
Editor's Note: I know I've said this before, but I will say it again, if you are struggling with depression or thoughts of suicide, please know that you are not alone. There are people out there who care about you and will help you. It doesn't have to be your parents, or even your best friend, but go to someone you trust and let them know what you have been going through. You can get through it, you can go on.
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