Thinking about love after reading a whole article about it. I'm starting to feel guilty. I stumble upon "9 Crimes" by Damien Rice on my iPod. I'm beginning to feel a little more guilty. Walking down the halls, I see him. I feel so very guilty.
I met him during first period Social Studies on a energetic first day of school. His name was Trevor. He had brown hair, beautiful hazel eyes, and a beefed up build. In a nutshell, he was a Brazilian God, and I was obsessed. Almost every girl I knew thought he was gorgeous, so I tried my luck and went after him. To my surprise, he spilled his guts and asked me out. We started dating from that moment on, off and on all summer. Trevor treated me like a princess. His kisses were so soft and sweet and I felt at home whenever we were together. I thought I was in love.
The next year, Trevor and I started to get a little shaky. Instead of treating me like he used to, he became aggressive. One moment we would be together, the next moment we were fighting. My head was a complete mess and one day I just lost it. I called Trevor and bluntly broke up with him. My friends were irate, wondering why in the heck I would give up a Brazilian God. Well, Whyville, I wasn't so sure, either.
Ironically, the next year my schedule said first period Social Studies. I arrived at school early and sat in the back. I could feel someone looking at me, it was this new kid, Sean or whatever. Sean was much like Trevor in appearance, with brown hair, beautiful eyes, and a beefed up build. He was cute, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. All I could think about was hopefully getting back together with Trevor. I knew I was the one who broke us up, but I missed him.
Later on in the same year, a few of my friends had told me about how Sean felt about me. I blew it off. I was still waiting on Trevor. Oh, how short I waited.
Then, one snowy day, the doorbell rang. Hesitantly, I opened up the door and it was Sean. He had brought me a gift and then shyly asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted. Not because I was over Trevor, but because Trevor had a new girlfriend. This was the perfect chance for me to get back at him.
Unfortunately for my plan, Sean was the perfect boyfriend. He was a perfect mix of everything and at my oblivious age, I thought I would marry him. I was so happy with him that I had completely forgot about Trevor. But, time would tell how long that would last.
A day. My pocket was ringing off the hook. I was hanging out with Sean that day so I let it be. Later that night, while driving home with my parents, I checked my recent calls. I had seven voicemails from Trevor. In every single message he spilled his guts about how much he missed me and wanted me back. My mind clicked. I forgot about my morals and Sean's feelings from that moment on.
That same night, I called Trevor back. We talked for hours and both agreed we were jealous of each others partners. I hung up, heart on my sleeve, and called my best friend, Olivia. Olivia's answer was simple; cheat.
I had watched Olivia cheat on every single boyfriend she had ever had in the past. Olivia was good at it, too. So one afternoon during lunch, I let her teach me all the ropes. I snuck over to Trevor's house that night and I cheated my heart out. It was a complete rush.
As I walked home in the dark, Sean was calling me. I ignored it. He continued to call me that night, over and over. I ignored them all. Every single voicemail he left was adorable, cute, and perfect. I felt horribly sick and worst of all, I was a cheater.
Mesmerized, I continued to cheat on Sean every moment I could. Olivia helped me out by keeping Sean out of my way when I needed him to be. Trevor and I would fool around for entire days, smooching and holding each other on the couch for hours. Some days I would hang out with both of them, only minutes apart. Out of all of the chaos, I knew Sean loved me. I was still a cheater.
Yet, I couldn't kid myself. Sean was the same way. We would walk around town, go out to eat, and play in the snow. Giggling and kissing. My favorite part was when he would kiss me on the forehead. He didn't see me as a piece of meat. He really did love me. I was cheating on him.
Somehow, some odd way, I kept the cheating secret going on for almost 5 months. Like a kid in a candy store, I just couldn't stop. Even though I had two wonderful guys loving me, I couldn't have hated myself more. One day, sick to my stomach from all the candy, I called Sean and broke up with him. I didn't tell him why, because I didn't want to hurt him. I just couldn't live with myself anymore. The cheating was a rush and all, but I knew Sean was the better person. All I was, though, was a cheater.
Trevor never told Sean about our cheating sessions and, to this day, I do not speak to either of them. High school has turned them both into different people, me as well. In the end, like most of my lessons, I have become a much better person. I will never, ever cheat again. I will, however, understand if I am ever cheated on in the future. I probably deserve it, anyway. What goes around comes around.
I do not deserve love, Whyville.
Taffii
