We all know that everyone has crushes. There's always that one person, and every time you see him/her, there goes the butterflies, and you just want to jump up and kiss him/her for hours and hours. You want to ask him/her out so badly, but you're so afraid of rejection that you keep it a secret for as long as you can. Then, eventually, it goes away and you find someone else. And so it goes; on and on until the day we die.
But this one didn't go away.
I had known him for a couple of years, but I hadn't started talking to him until seventh grade during soccer season. At first, I thought he was just a cool guy. He wasn't that hottest one on Earth, and he wasn't the most popular, either. But he was sweet, caring, and sensitive. He was my friend, until the last month of school.
I was sitting in my room thinking about the summer coming up, and every other thought I would have, he would be there. I would be kissing him, or we'd be walking in the park holding hands, or we'd be lying on a blanket in a field watching the fireworks go off on the fourth of July. Then that would get me thinking. I would imagine that one moment when we have our first kiss and the butterflies would erupt in my stomach the minute my lips grazed his, and it wasn't even real! I would imagine slow-dancing at a party or wherever and the butterflies made their appearance once more the minute I made skin to skin contact with him. I had a crush. But I was too afraid to let it out. Even more afraid with him than with the others I had had crushes on. Since he was no Orlando Bloom or Johnny Depp I figured I'd be made fun of for my feelings towards him. I couldn't believe I was letting that kind of stuff get to me, but I was. So I didn't tell anybody.
School got awkward. I had five classes in a row with him. We used to talk all the time and there would be no issue. But once those feelings developed, it became weird to talk to him about the things we used to talk about, even though they wouldn't have anything to do with relationships. I loved having those classes with him, and I relished the moments we did spend talking. But I knew that things were different.
I spent the last month of school and the first two weeks of summer vacation crushing in silence. He didn't know, and neither did my friends. But one day I couldn't take it anymore. I spilled my guts to the first friend I could think of that was still in town. I told her not to laugh, and she didn't. She told me she thought he was an awesome guy and we would make a cute couple. I felt so much better about the whole thing, knowing that at least one person knew.
The delusions continued. They progressed to make-out sessions, telling him I loved him, going with him to eighth grade graduation, prom, and getting married! It was almost getting out of control, and the feelings were still bottled up inside. School was going to start soon and by then only two of my friends knew. They both vowed to try to set us up, and I kept telling myself that I should ask him out, but I didn't.
School started, and I still didn't tell him.
After a while, I began to stop thinking about him. I started thinking about other guys. I drifted away from the fantasies about him, and started fantasizing about other guys, but not to the level I had with him. Nothing with the other guys went beyond kissing.
One day I heard something from one of my friends. During lunch, I noticed he was sort of staring over my way. My friends that I never told began to say, "I think he likes you!" *sigh* If only they knew how utterly overjoyed that would have made me if it had happened that summer. I blushed on the outside and said, "Oh, I don't think so. We're just friends. I don't really want to go out with him."
I had never lied to such an extreme extent in my life until I said that.
A few months later, after coming back from winter break, I started to develop those feelings again. They were stronger than ever when the daydreams started coming back. I found myself wondering if I was in love with him. I would spend that last few minutes before school dances praying that he was going to be there. But even when he was, nothing ever went beyond a simple, "Hey, what's up?" I sat there thinking, "Wow, I guess I'm really in love with this guy!" listening to songs like "Crush" by David Archuleta, "Gotta Be Somebody" by Nickelback, "Love Story" by Taylor Swift, etc. Those songs that describe how much you like somebody and how you'd do anything to find "the one." I got sucked in and really started to believe that I was falling in love.
It is now 7:09 pm in Ohio. And I, AeRogrrrL, am officially declaring . . . I am in love with a guy I am not even dating.
Thanks for reading! I hope you like it!
