It's just not fair. None of it. Life . . . Death . . . Why does it have to happen? What's the point of living if you just end up dying anyway? All living things suffer the same fate but at different times. Some run from death, others are at peace with it, and those sad few . . . they just can't wait, and they end up finishing it themselves.
Such a big word it is: Death. So many people are scared of dying. For me, it's how I die. If I could choose a way of death, it would be painless and at an old age. But I can't choose the way I die, not really, and I don't intend on trying. Of course, you have the people that do try. The ones who feel the need to end it right here and now. It sickens me, to know that a person wants to take their own life. Suicide has been close to me for so long. I've seen it pondered on the minds of the ones I love, in my own mind. It's time for a wake up call.
The day was March 4, 2009. I came home from school, normal as any other day. I defiantly wasn't expecting to hear the news. My mom called me downstairs, and I was expecting a, "Can you help me fold laundry?" or a, "Can you help Abby with her home work?" but it was so much more. Too much. It was something I didn't want to hear.
She turned to me, a tender look on her face. I sighed waiting for her to load some chores on my back. That's when she told me.
"Your uncle Robert called," she said smoothly.
I didn't think much of this first statement. My uncle calls regularly. But something in the way she said this made me wonder what was up. It was the unexpected, the unwanted, the unneeded. It was the unthinkable.
"John tried to kill himself."
Immediately, my heart sank. I listened on.
"You know how him and Hayley broke up? Well, he was very depressed and he found a gun . . ."
A large lump formed in my throat, and I nodded for her to continue.
"He didn't shoot himself, though. But he did pull the trigger, I guess he shot a hole in the garage door." she looked at me. "Then he called 911. He's in the hospital, but he's going to be okay."
I felt tears springing from my eyes. Not John . . . I had always loved him, he was like a big brother to me, always looking out for me when we had get-togethers. I could never see him doing something so utterly stupid. He was the oldest child my uncle had out of the three kids. He was a little crazy, and a little on the "naughty" side, but he was a good kid. And from what I had known, a happy one.
"You know, if you ever feel sad like that, you can tell us, and we'll get you help. We'll talk to you," she said referring to herself and my father.
The thoughts swirling through my head devastated me. I was in complete shock. "Not John," I thought, "Not him . . ."
I felt dizzy, and I replied with a short "Okay," and ran to my room and cried.
That was earlier today, and it sparked so many questions for me. I thank God so much that he is still alive, but I pray for my cousin to get better and to get the help he needs. It seems so surreal until it hits so close to home. Some people think that people who try to kill themselves are just asking for attention, but then someone pulls the trigger. You never know how serious something can be until it gets the worst. For me, it's seeing someone I love struggle and want death. For others, it's coping with their own personal issues.
Stupid people don't commit suicide, people who are hurting do.
We need to stop this hurt and insanity. If you see or hear anyone talk about suicide, please get them help or contact an official immediately. You could save someone?s life. Not everyone is well enough to point the gun in a different direction. My cousin was smart, and hopefully he will learn.
Death still scares me, and life confuses me, but this was an awakening. It's helped me understand that death is so much more closer than we think. Each day we get closer to dying, and there are people out there who can't wait. I may not understand completely what was going through John's mind when he picked up that gun. All I know is that somehow, he had wanted to end his life and move on to death. Though I feel like I understand more, it's still leaving me hanging, wanting to understand it all. I have questions like, "What posses a person to want death?" and, "Why does life have to be so hard?" but I'll understand in due time. We all will.
This is mrtucan0, (or Ally), off to ponder life's mysteries . . .
Author's Note: Names changed for privacy.
Editor's Note: If you or someone you know is dealing with thoughts of suicide, please know that you are not alone and there are people who care and want to help. If you cannot reach out to your parents, then find a friend or a teacher, or anyone who will listen. If you do not have anyone you trust, you can call 1.800.SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433), and someone will always be there for you. Your life is valued.
