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I think I am forgetting who I am, if I ever knew. It's hard to explain, and I don't know if you'll understand. I know my name, where I live, my gender, my family . . . but I seem to forget my age a lot.
As long as I can remember, I've always questioned those higher than me. My teachers, my parents . . . and I've always seen myself to be the better one. I thought about this, because I was looking through my baby pictures, and I saw a picture of me when I was 8, and then my life flashed before me. I looked at the picture of me with disbelief, is that really . . . me? Sure I looked in the mirror everyday, and I know what I look like, but I looked so different when I was 8, and that was only 4 years ago.
I am so used to having make-up on, and making myself look years older than I really am. In my mind, I don't even know what goes through it, when I talk, and when I act the way I do, I picture myself being at least 16, not 12. I feel like I know everything, and I like to do things the way I want them, because I always make things perfect, or at least I do my best. I curse at my mom, and I am so rude to her, and I don't even realize it. Is this just a phase?
So I must be caught up in shopping, friends, and boys. Is that normal at this age? I don't even know why I do the things I do these days. For example: I told my dad I was going one place, but then went to another without telling him when I knew it was wrong. He asked me why . . . and I didn't know. I honestly didn't know what was going through my mind, I knew it was wrong, so why did I do it? This is totally not me.
If I possibly could go back in time and figure out reasons to why everything happens, and if I could change how I do things, I would, but I can't, so I'm planning to change the way I do things in the future. I am taking off the make-up and I'll start reading again. Maybe I'll somewhat change my attitude towards things and start "acting my age", because I am mature, and I think this is the right thing.
I need to take time in my life, and enjoy being a little girl while I still can. I looked in the mirror today with myself without make-up and I realized I look like a total different person, but I still look pretty. I think I like this new person I am, hopefully I can stay this way for a little bit longer, because it wont be long till I am the person I always thought of myself to be, or maybe, even a little bit more mature.
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