Cuddling's nice.
Never thought I'd say that. But it is.
I've done it once. With Gabe, if you remember him at all. We were having a movie marathon day at his house (my house, I would have got gutted), and I put my head on his chest and he put his arms around me. It was nice.
Watched P.S. I Love You, which I hated because it was emotional and it made me uncomfortable, but 'eh. Hellboy 2 was better. Not as awkward.
We discussed marriage. Discussed how it would potentially fit into our plans. He told me that no matter what happened, no matter where our relationship went, he would still love me and care for me, not necessarily romantically, but as a friend, as a person.
Gabe's a great guy. He's romantic, funny, unique, confident. He works out and is in great shape; he has a genius I.Q., has a college graduate-level paying job, he's extremely moral and upright, very loyal and protective of the ones he loves. He has a lot of wonderful assets, and I appreciate those.
That being said, I broke up with him early in May.
Goodness, was it that recent?
Before then we fought a lot. Admittedly I lost my temper a few times (which I did apologize for), but most arguments consisted of him deciding something minor that I had said or done was worth criticizing until I agreed that he was right.
For example, we had a mutual friend who I will call Joseph. He was attracted to me, but I made it clear that we were to stay just friends, and he didn't contest the issue. As we were pretty good friends, I hung out with him one day; we watched a movie on a laptop, and at one point one of us shifted and our elbows touched, lightly, for about five minutes. No big deal, right?
No, after inquiring as to the way we were sitting when I visited, Gabe then proceeded to write a two-page-long e-mail explaining why touching his elbow was 'giving him the wrong signals' and that I was responsible if Joseph got his heart broken. Also he insisted that going over his house alone was also wrong, no matter how innocent my intentions, and - oh, yeah, by the way, Joseph is probably going to be a future rapist.
That was a point of friction between us for quite some time, I must say, and at one point during that series of fights I broke up with him - until he told me he'd been on drugs (for a surgery he'd had) and that he didn't mean any of it and would you please come back?
I did, but during a fight in which he insisted I was using emoticons in the wrong manner, I broke up 'for real.'
Two days later he asked me if he could take another girl to prom. They are now dating.
Was I hurt? Yes. But I had my pride; throughout it all I cried only once, in the arms of one of my good friends who was the first person outside my family to ever see me cry.
Was it worth it?
Yes, every last minute of it was something I'd do over again. Not because I'm still emotionally attached; oh, not at all, I don't wish to see him again and I have been 'over' the pain for quite a while now. No, but rather because I learned so much. The experience was worth the pain, because the pain was not as great as it could have been.
We took things slowly, carefully. We were not overly romantic, we were cautious not to form emotional bonds that could be severed easily later, considering how young we were and how high the likelihood of severing was.
But I learned what I want in a man. I want kindness, gentleness, self-sacrifice, competence. But above that, I have witnessed what it is like to have a man of quality treat you right. It is a fragrance I will never forget.
I learned what to avoid in a man. Control issues, arrogance, determination to win every fight - these things I knew *technically* before, but now I have witnessed them in direct relation to romance with me. I know what it smells like, and I know how to avoid it.
But above all, it was fun. I had a great time hanging out with him. He taught me how to paintball and play Call of Duty 4, and I taught him how to ballroom dance. We enjoyed each others company, and we enjoyed the fact we liked each other. It was a wonderful experience, and well worth the pain.
It wouldn't have been if we had thrown caution to the wind and made out or something of the sort. Had we placed more focus on the romance part of our relationship, I would very likely still be wallowing in misery right now, or feeling a pang of sorrow every time his name is mentioned.
Instead I can talk about him, mention his name in jokes, and describe how much of a wonderful guy he was. Why?
It's the reason, I believe, that makes a relationship beautiful. I was his girlfriend, but first and foremost I was his friend.
