I've been thinking things over lately. Things I think I shouldn't be worried about. I'm too young to worry about a couple years from now, the rest of my life. I feel like fear rules my life now and I'm afraid that's how the rest of my life will be.
On Father's Day, my grandparents came over to my house and ate a lovely lunch that I had helped make. While we were eating ice cream the subject of Las Vegas came up. I have been there but I barely remember it. I was only three so I can only recall stories that were told to me years later. My grandparents went on that trip with my family and I. I was such a dare devil when I was younger. For the longest time, I have never been afraid of anything. Even when I was three in that Las Vegas hotel, I wanted to ride the "big person" roller coaster. But of course I wasn't allowed. Even to this day, I don't shy away from a roller coaster or daunting heights.
I'm sixteen and the one thing that I am scared of is never finding love; never being able to get over someone. Even as I write this I doubt ever sending this story in. I've mastered the art of giving myself to someone else. But perhaps I'm too mature. In the past months, I believe it has been ten; I have given myself to someone; given my all to this relationship. I?ve been a close friend with this person since third grade, but never best friends until this year. Never held romantic feelings until this year.
This year, I lost my previous best friend. And who was there? And then I gained a best friend. Then I learned what love was. What I had felt before this was not comparable by any means. My feeling grew strong and I professed them. And they mirrored the same. So, I opened up because I felt safe. And this is a very rare occurrence for me. Finally, I asked if I could have the pleasure of dating them. And the reply was, "I don't want a relationship."
I respected that. I said okay, but I'm never going to give up on you. The next week was Spring Break. I couldn't join them on a family trip, so they took Dakota. I was fine with that because I believe in a little thing called trust. That whole weekend I thought about them. Together. But I would push it out of my mind. That couldn't happen. Never.
Guess what? It happened. I was devastated. I cried every night and I couldn't stop. Weeks passed and their relationship was damaged because of Dakota. Every fight my hope would rise. But the final break never happened.
Now it is summer and a couple weeks ago, my best friend and I learned that Dakota had in fact cheated twice. Yes, twice. And get this, they didn't break up. I feel like I have nothing left. I don't want to hang out with my best friend because I feel trapped. I can't tell everything I have in my heart because of a hostile relationship that should have ended months ago.
Now I am fully conquered by fear. I am no longer that little girl, ready for everything that life throws at me. I am a meek person brought down by fear. A few years change everything and I have learned that now. I am terrified that I will never be what she wants. Terrified that I will never find this feeling again.
Kindell.
