Twins usually grow up together, live together, and laugh together. They create bonds that are incomparable to any other relationship. There have been cases where twins can feel each other's pain. The amazing connection between twins is a mystery in many areas and scientists are still studying the unique brains of twins.
I am a solitary and lonely twin. I am a twinless twin. She left for the afterlife on a train destined for above. Ever since I can remember there has been a great sense of longing and I feel like there is a huge void in my life. I never knew what exactly I was longing for or why I felt lonely when family and friends that loved me surrounded me. I knew that they loved me but I never felt the particular thing that I was missing. I began to fill the void with anything possible that I could grab on to.
Art and writing quickly became my passion. They were my vices and they released any emotions that I was feeling. Rather than being angry and causing trouble, I painted or wrote. I didn't go around asking why I felt the way I did. I just thought it was a normal cycle that everyone went through. I never even told my best friend the way I was feeling. Sometimes I just stayed home because I almost felt sick to my stomach because I felt so alone. I ached for company.
One day my grandma accidentally slipped and told me that I had a twin. She assumed that I had known. I decided to question my mother. She told me that I had had a twin and that she hadn't told me because she didn't think that I could handle it. It was the opposite of her assumptions. This was the solution to my query. I finally had some tangible evidence to how I felt. Of course, the longing would never be satisfied and I would always have that ache, but at least now I could overcome that. At least now I could think of her lovingly and imagine how it could have been, instead of aimlessly searching for something that was wrong with me. I still feel guilty for being alive, like it's something curious and exceptional.
Art is still my passion, but now I think of her when I make something. Each and everyday, I try to live my life for her and me. As soon as she arrived the train she was on left in a flash. I don't take life for granted; it is a precious gift that should be treated as such. I created my whole identity around a feeling that I've had as far back as I can remember and now that I know the truth, I'm just as lost as before. There is no fixing the problem. I can't magically find her on a subway or in a coffee shop. She is gone forever. I've even cried over her because I never knew her but I feel a deep connection to what was there. That almost sounds crazy, but there isn't any other way to explain what I feel. I guess you have to experience it to understand. It's like an ethereal feeling that you can't quite put your finger on.
However, out of all this sadness comes something so remarkably grand that it ends the enormous sadness. She is my muse; she inspires me to live and create. With each new piece of work, I think of her and if she would have liked it. I suppose this is my coping mechanism and is on the verge of being foolish, but I like to imagine that she would like anything that I design. She is the reason that I love art so much. She caused that feeling and I turned to the only thing I knew how to do. She made me independent from everyone, because I never felt that intense feeling. I am so appreciative of everything I have; I am really privileged to be here today.
I am a twin, without a twin. I grew up like any other child, but I never understood myself. Now I have an explanation and I am free to explore myself as a singular person. I am one side of a story, and the other half will never be told. I am proud of the fact that I am a twin without a twin. I can live my life in her name while still fulfilling what I want to do. Sometimes I think about her and wonder what it would have been like, and then I realize all the amazing friends I have now and all the things I have accomplished. I am my own person, but inside that there is a twin that will never be viewed as such. I am my own person, but I hold that fact very dear to my heart. It makes me who I am today and I wouldn't change a thing despite all the grievances and heartache. She is a part of me whether she's alive or not.
Kindell
