Slowly breaking down.
I felt alone. I was cautious and reserved, my guard was always up.
I knew then that you needed me, but I didn't know how much. I didn't know the pain you were feeling, the loss that you knew would be coming so soon. So I didn't do anything.
It wasn't until I saw it in your face when you said goodbye to her that last time. Your own mother, the one person that you needed most, slowly breaking down. Dying. I saw you as a little girl, alone and afraid, looking into her eyes. I wanted to come to you and cry. I wanted to rest my head on your shoulders and give you the weight off my back, but you already had enough. I know you wanted me to be there for you, to cry with you. You were trying to be strong, but I was selfish and proud, and afraid to give up. I had to ignore the pain I was feeling.
I loved her, my Grandma, so much. But this was nothing to how much you loved her Mom, and I know that. More than it hurt me to watch her go, it hurt me to watch you suffer through it all. Those tears were the ones that spilled onto my face, and remained on my cheeks even after I was through crying.
Even when you smiled, I saw that you were broken. I saw that you wanted to do it, you wanted to tear down the walls that I have been slowly building over the years. You wanted to know that even when everything else is changing, I was still your little girl underneath what I have become. That I am still your daughter, no matter what happens.
But Mom, I am still your little girl. You haven't lost me, no matter how many times I let you down. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry that you never saw the red streaks that crossed my face, my tears, and you never knew how much I cared. From now on, I will be there, I promise. You will never have to be alone.
I will always need you too.
