I have no more feeling. No joy in my heart, no peace in my mind, no emotion at all. Every laugh, every smile that I plaster onto my face is no longer genuine. It is just a cover up to make people think I'm happy. But deep down, I'm not.
Your name floated through my head again and again all day, a quiet little sanctuary in between the war that rages in my mind. 'I love him, I hate his guts.' And then your name comes along, and I can block out those thoughts. Until it goes away and reality crashes back onto me.
The reality is, you don't love me the way I do you. You don't love me at all.
As much as I tell my self, 'He doesn't love you.' I can't make myself believe it. I just can't. How can you not? We have such history! You liked me in the seventh grade! And now you don't have any feelings towards me? At all? Is all you see when you look at me a stupid, desperate girl? Do you even see a human with feelings?? Your friend?
You told me that you just weren't the right guy for me. Maybe now, that I have finally heard it, I can accept it. But I don't want to. And I know it is going to take a lot to accept it. You don't think I don't remember every smile, conversation, phone call, text? You don't think that I am loyal?
But I am.
You have numbed me. You have done me wrong. I can feel no pain, have no expression. I still put on a smile to please everyone around me. But the pain, the pain you have caused, the pain is in my eyes.
You have shot morphine through my blood, and for that, I cannot forgive you. You know what you did, what it would do to me, and you did it anyways.
You don't love me. But I love you.
This Valentine's Day, I will be in my room, dressed in a tank top and shorts, wasting my time aimlessly on the computer, thinking of you, waiting for the text that will never come. Eventually, the pain will eat away at me from the inside out; every time you look at me with a sorry expression, you get mad at me, it kills me a little more.
I deleted your number, even though I have it memorized. I know it won't make any difference because some day soon I will be texting you saying, 'Hey'. And I know you won't reply, you will just ignore the message.
Hope your happy, Ben. You got your freakin' wish. You will be left alone.
