Remember the times when we would cuddle once you got back from one of those long airplane trips? You know, how we would laugh and watch movies and hug each other, having such fun? I remember all of that. Don't you?
Oh, and your smile. That pearly white smile -- it was perfect. I loved it. No . . . I loved you! Every single part of you I loved, and I still do love as I view all of the past pictures and images that seem to be lost in space. Whenever I think of your face, I grow sad because you're not here.
You know, lately I've been a bit alone. Depressed. I feel hollow inside, like my very soul was taken out of me . . . like my heart was stolen. Why? Because I miss you. I feel sick with doubt and ill with sorrow whenever your eyes come to mind. And what do I do? Just sit down and cry? No -- I often write. I pour out my heart on a piece of paper, the ink staining that flawless white surface until it finally comes to an end. When my hand gets a cramp, I cease to do so and think more and more about the memories that we had shared.
I write letters.
True, I sometimes weep and sob over and over, crying out for your comforting voice. But I know where you are; you're up in that heavenly place that's far in space. I do not know where exactly this gorgeous city is. I just know you're there.
Oh, the memories. How I long for them! Even though I have a knowledge to where you are, happy and watching me, I'm still sad. But I guess when I think of you, I don't feel so alone. Yet at the same time, I'm so empty! My bones are filled with shattered peace, and a deep desire for you to be beside me.
That will never be so -- never again. Why? Because you're gone, Daddy! You're gone! I tear up every time, but I have to stay strong -- I have to stay strong for Mom!
Remember the time when we would go to Wisconsin to visit my grandparents? Yeah . . . we would go to the gas station to get candy, right? And then and there I always witnessed your generosity and kindness and love.
Sure, you had temper problems. Sure, sometimes you lost it.
But you were still my daddy, and you still are. And I miss you. I love you, and I will forever! I'll never forget those times when we would cuddle, when we would eat, when I would lock the door and plug my ears when you and Mom fought. Whether or not the memories are good or bad, I still love you, Dad! I love you, and I wish you were here. I wish you didn't have to miss so many accomplishments that I've made since you disappeared from my life.
You didn't disappear though, Daddy. You're still right here -- right here in my heart.
Love,
Your beloved daughter . . .
