It's been a while, hasn't it? I've missed you guys. I've missed posting and the Whyville community. I've really missed the BBS. I guess I have been missing a lot lately.
How's it been? What's new?
I've been pretty much the same. No changes here . . .
No, nothing has changed, but something's been discovered.
Whyville, do you know what I have realized about myself?
I never finish anything I start. Never. And it eats at me every day and every night. It haunts me, it really does, but what I am supposed to do about it?
I have an unfinished novel waiting for me, less than fifty pages to write, I could do it. I have a half-done script gathering dust on a website I haven't visited in over a month. I have a story floating in my head that needs to be put down on paper. I have ideas I need to express. I feel creative energy flowing, but where is it going? Have I sprung a leak? Who's to say I'm even going to finish this article? I want to write, paint, sing, play guitar, create a song . . . but why can't I? I have the ideas, where's my motivation?
I have so much to chose from! I could finish any project on any side of the spectrum, yet I just . . . can't. Whyville, I have a secret to confess: I am an obsessor. Big time.
Here's the deal, I never finish anything because I gain and lose focus so fast. My novel: I wrote everyday, non-stop for a month, then quit cold turkey once November 30th ended. This was the case with my script that I wrote in April. I wrote half of another story one night because I couldn't get it out of my head. The day after, I didn't even think about it. I teach myself ten songs on guitar in a week, and then never pick the instrument up again. Write half of a poem, get into it, then struggle the rest of the way. Even though I drop everything to do these things, the second I get distracted by a new project, I toss it forever.
I would like to type out the words to a card my parents wrote for me after I finished my 50,000 word goal for National Novel Writing Month. It reads:
Allyson,
We're so proud of you. Often times, people set goals, and never accomplish them, you did it!!!
It's hard sometimes to stay motivated, but you did. Remember what you've done, and know that you can do anything you want to. Keep it up, Allyson, you're the best!
I want to curl in a ball and cry, Whyville. I've done nothing. Nothing worth a pat on the back, nothing worth a card, nothing worth a praise. I've done half of anything, but that still means I've accomplished nothing. The words my dad wrote on that card are false and cutting to me. I am nothing but a failure.
How can I obsess over something and just let it slip through my fingers so fast. Why can't I just stick to a project? I'm lucky that I finished this article.
-MT0
