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I could really use this new beginning. Actually, I've been flirting with the idea for quite some time now; to forgive, to let go. To spread open a fresh page so unsoiled, before my future.
Having always been one to never take my own advice, this "fresh start" fantasy sounds great, for sure. I mean, it would refresh and awaken my body, mind, and undoubtably, soul, from this emotionally exausting lifestyle. A soul, did I not mention my belief in one of those? To think that so much passion, (usually) confusing insticts, and even love exist simply from a piece of flesh pumping with red, does not seem right.
I'm just so through squeezing so much hatred, jealousy, and frustration into a tight bottle many sizes too small. As I'd mentioned, feeling complete forgiveness, to use the blessing of a fresh start, could prove rather rewarding. But what if, what if it's too late for my saving? These lips are so worn and dry, saliva all used up on words of gossip. Along with a mind poisoned with such a variety of wrong messages. Finally, to top it off, a heart torn by facing harsh reality after the next, these things cannot possibly change, can they? But they can. So if forgiveness has the ability to flip a whole story like a coin, why not just forgive your enemies/self and live "happily ever after", right?
Right.
Except, welcome to reality. Real life. Here, anything that is rewarding tags along with its handicaps of its own. Forgiveness leaves me feeling vulnerable. I find it much easier to simply offer a chuck of gossip AND embrace mg friend's acceptance than to not and be left to face the awkwardness. Hey, we're only human, it's our tendancy to over analyze every situation of the past.
But these statements of laziness, being stubborn, and ignorance, are simply excuses. Excuses I no longer want to feed myself. This past year I had an emotionally exhausting life, which I'd love to say I'm 100 percent over, but I'm not. For now, with a willingness to forgive under my belt and a clean page ahead of me, I'm trying.
That's a start.
- Socer4eva
Labiiba
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