I used to believe in love.
Not anymore, but I used to.
I want to. I want to go back out into the world and exclaim, "Love here I am!" But that isn't going to happen. No, not for me. Not anytime soon. Maybe never. I stare blankly at my window. The couple walking down the street are the only thing in sight. 'Fools,' I whisper. I do not believe in love. But I want to.
I'm not a demon. I'm not a pessimist or a depressed child. I'm not the opposite of Cupid. I'm just lost. Yeah, I get love. Two people meet, they have a connection, and they fall for each other. They want to be with each other. They put their entire and total faith into the other; and this is where I get confused.
Why?
Why count on someone to be there all the time? I did. It didn't work out. It was pointless. I was just a toy to him. I've moved on, sure. But still. Why? I watch him and her happily walking hand in hand. They trust each other. They believe in love. And they sit there being played by Fate.
I sigh, shaking my head. Love is just a game. It is an unfair, sick, twisted game. And those with the strongest of hearts will face it. I used to think I was strong. That I could handle anything. After all, I had been through so much. You couldn't hurt my feelings; Jessica took care of that. Her hate notes and my endless tears proved to me that at the end, I was still strong. Broken, but regaining strength. Slowly.
And so I walked onto the battlefield blindly, being surprised at every attack and finding myself wounded more often than victorious. Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was. Obviously, even a big girl needs a hug and a kiss on the forehead every now and again.
Ben, you have changed me. So amazingly. I don't believe in love. I don't know if you care. But I do. My faith and strength and battle scars have all been questioned time and again. My faith is broken, my trust gone. My strength has vanished, and scars have reopened.
He's fixing me. Slowly. But the blood has stopped pouring. The pain has decreased. The dullness of my world has all but disappeared. And he's the one causing it. Not you. I never suspected him. Ever. But you, I've always counted on you. I put everything into you, and you played me and left. Just walked out.
You've had the satisfaction of watching me suffer for too long now. So goodbye. For good. Stay inside and wait for your next victim. I'm moving on.
And you just get to watch.
