I've seen this face too many times. That one in the mirror, across from my bed. In my own little world, my own little room. It's theatrical reoccurring appearance is impressing no one. The shame I feel when I see it, the pressure against my lungs forcing out more tears. I look in the mirror, and there that face is, weeping like I am. My hand reaches up to hold my cheek, and the image follows. "Hello in there," I say in my head. "I see you came back."
Almost every day for the past two weeks, I've smiled at the world and then gone into my room at night and wept like a small, lost child. For at least twenty minutes a day I lay under my shield of blankets as the tears flow from my swelled eyes. I pretend like I'm tired, which I am, to the unlucky few who just so happen to disturb me in those moments. Luckily I have mastered the art of pretend and can instantly compose myself into something of a decent person under the watchful eyes of company.
I look in the mirror across from my bed twenty minutes later and there is my pitiful face, the exposed drama queen. Something needs to change. It's frustrating to see what has become of me, what I've let the world do to me.
Last year, I was an angry person. I know, blah blah blah, me me me. It must get annoying to read through this and see another pathetic story of another teenage kid in nothing but an emotional crisis. For the sake of your own stubborn mind, I ask that you read through this entire passage, whether you change your mind about me or not. Anyways, back to Ms. Dramatic's story. If someone made a snide comment or sarcastic reply to anything I said, I'd instantly go off on them last year. I'd argue and debate with people just so that my anger would be let out. It was a form of release. I was a frustrated kid and I hurt the people around me by always being angry at them, by always analyzing every word my friends said and taking it the wrong way. "Hot-tempered", some people call it.
This year I don't do that anymore. I try my hardest to be nice, to stay positive about other people. I've apologized to those I've hurt and in my head I'm forever in their debt for hurting them. I try and help others, and I attempt to fix their lives so that they will not have to live through sadness and frustration. The only problem I've found with this new lifestyle is that I still have all this anger. Instead of messing with others' heads, I'm taking my anger out on myself.
I constantly tear myself down now and pick at every little thing I do to criticize myself. That pain that I made others experience is now my own. All the anger I took out on many different people is now being directed at myself. I become frustrated with everything I do.
Another effect of this new lifestyle is that it's wearing me down. All those snide comments people used to make haven't gone away just because I'm trying to be nice, in fact, they're taking a toll on me now. I no longer have my shield of anger to get back at them and make myself feel good, so their words actually sink into my heart. Over the course of one day, every single action that could even be considered mean is built up and magnified by 10 in my brain until I'm alone and those feelings explode out from my eyes.
I want this to change, to go away. This sadness isn't worth the trouble and I shouldn't care what others say about me. For some reason though, my brain stays the same. For some reason, I keep losing.
~gerenago2
