Am I a bully? I'm a mean person. People say that I'm rude, dogmatic, too opinionated, and stubborn. That's all true, but do I bully others? I don't put a filter on what I say, especially when I'm debating. I'll say what I mean and I mean what I say. If I think you're being ignorant, or stupid, I'll say it. Does that make me a bad person? I guess so. But should I change?
I get into a lot of fights on the BBS. I'm attracted to them. Even if I don't have a strong opinion on the topic, I'll pick one and stick with it until the thread is effectively dead. I guess that's why I'm called stubborn; because I am. But a lot of times, this makes people dislike me. They don't see that I can be nice, and sweet when I'm not trying to prove a point. A lot of times they provoke me. Do I blame them? No, but I like to think that it's at least a little bit their fault.
It doesn't feel good, being hated by almost everyone on the BBS. In real life, I'm quiet, shy, and polite. But I'm angry on the inside. I have a lot of things going on that I'm not proud of, and that I wish that I can change. So I take it out on others who can't do anything about it. Report my posts? I'll post it again. Call me names? I'll call you even worse ones. They can't affect me, because I don't have feelings.
But that's not true, is it? I do have feelings. I don't usually show them. I keep them all bottled up and hidden. But that's what this is. These are my feelings. I'm letting them out. But this is anonymous. You don't know who I am. So is this really letting my feelings out, if no one knows whose feelings they are? Will it help at all? That's what I'm going to find out.
You could say I get bashed a lot. People tell me all the time that they don't like me, and some have even told me that they wish that I'd die. I don't blame them, but it still hurts. I'd probably feel the same way if I was in their position, though, that doesn't change anything. I still cry over things that get said. I pretend like I don't, but I do anyway. And then I go and make fun of people who do too. I call them names, and make them feel worse. That makes me a hypocrite, but I don't care. There are already plenty of bad adjectives that are synonymic with my name, what's adding one more going to do?
You'd think, that after all this, I'd stop being mean. You'd think that I'd realize that the only reason people don't like me, is because I make them feel bad. You'd think. But I don't. I continue on with my ways, because it's what's expected of me. People write "Oh you just wait, so-and-so's going to come in here and start a fight over this!" at the end of their posts. And I do. Because that's who I am.
Should I change? Probably.
But will I? No.
Why not? Because that's not who I am. I am a stereotypical bully. I make fun of others because of the pain inside me. I'm insecure, sad, and I'm hurting. I take all my pain out on the people who can't defend themselves. I could change myself, but I won't. Because in the end, I'll still be hurting, and I won't have any outlets. All the pain will build up inside of me, and I can't deal with that.
So, will I continue to bully others? I guess so. But maybe, just maybe, I'll think twice next time.
Author's Note: I'm not looking for attention, which is why this is anonymous. There are a few people who know who I am, but I trust them enough to keep my secret. Please refrain from trying to guess my identity in the BBS. Thank you. All criticism is welcome!
