It seems as if as when the days grow old and the nights young, I feel only the simplest emotions. Sad, mad, glad, bad; is there anything else? Am I supposed to feel something that I simply cannot? And if it is that I now cannot feel the emotions, have I ever before?
I feel sad because of you.
Can't you remember those countless times that you've pushed me around, shattering my heart into itsy bitsy pieces? You never managed to pick them up, either. You've let me do that by myself for years on end, and it is time you start helping. Speaking of help, I do all of the work in our relationship. You never acknowledge or appreciate it. I'm the only one keeping us together, and we've both become accustom to it.
I feel mad because of you.
You've let me become who I am. You never told me you cared for me, never mentioned you wanted me, and never admitted you loved me. Using the past tense adds onto the anger within my soul. I'm trapped in this ridiculous mess of a relationship. Everything that happened has become the past, and I don't ever seem to talk about the present. This could be because I'm not willing to admit what we've become. I only seem to remember happier times.
I felt glad because of you.
You called me beautiful. You called me special. You called me "yours". It might have been too hard to realize just how much I needed to hear those things back then. I was just so happy. No one would have ever suspected that our love would grow sour. No one would have guessed that it would be us of all people that would end bittersweet. I try to think of ways that I could have prevented our fallout from happening, but nothing comes to mind. Everything happened for a reason, I just wish that the outcomes of our actions could have been different.
I feel bad because of you.
I wasn't the greatest person back then. I could try to lessen my guilt by admitting you weren't perfect either, but the act of sharing the blame is selfish. I now realize how much you needed me like I need you now. It is sadly now and not then that I can hear those subtle cries for help. Those many hints and questions that rolled off my back - oh how I wish I could go back and save them from slipping away. They could have helped mending our slowly-crumbling relationship.
Sadly, it is too late for us to change. It is maddening to think of how much I let you control in my life. I feel a tinge of happiness when I reflect on our relationship, though. The joy only lasts for a short minute, however, when I realize how much I've done to destroy what we shared. Honestly, we're both to blame. I've known that since day one, I have just never been selfless enough to admit it.
