Perfection. It is the epitome of beauty and everything that is lovely and meant to be and simply just . . . perfect. We all strive to be perfect, to be truly accepted to the highest point of acceptance. We strive to be so beautiful that everyone will look upon you and just stare. We want to be able to speak and have the entire world listening for more. We all want it and there's no point in denying it. But is it worth it? Is it worth tearing apart a person for who he or she truly is, and keeping him or her hoping for better? I can't help wanting this perfection. I am the everyday perfectionist.
I'm not sure why I strive to be so perfect. Why do I have to get the best grades, be the best singer, the best friend, and the most loved? Isn't what I have enough? Yes. And yet, it's not. I continue to want more of myself even though I'll get no reward for it, and even though perfection doesn't even exist. It's been ripping me apart, this perfection, emotionally and physically.
I have always wanted to get the best grades, or at least good grades. Ever since I started getting report cards, anything below an A- simply wouldn't do. Even an A- is a little low for me. And I have to be in honors everything, or else I'm not good enough in this world. I remember in fifth grade getting a B on a test. I knew it wouldn't do anything to my report card grade, but it didn't feel right. In fact, I started crying, and I didn't even know why.
If I ever do get below my usual standard, I'll tell myself that I need to do better, even if I did honestly try my best. I also have been having trust issues lately, where if someone tells me that I did great, I'd just think that he or she was just saying that. What if I have a partner someday? What if he or she tells me that he or she loves me? What if he or she is just saying that.
Most nights, I lay awake thinking about the next day, or just thinking about everything. In other words, I'm an insomniac. I just recently realized it. I don't have it bad, but some nights I'll be up until twelve o'clock trying to sleep. So of course I'm tired, but at least now it's normal because everyone in middle school is tired.
I'm sick of having to be perfect every minute of everyday. I'm tired of having to impress everyone, be nice to everyone, be the best at everything, and meanwhile, continue to live.
I know that it's affecting me, but I still think that it's just who I am, that it's normal. Part of me wants to change, and the other part of me thinks that if I continue to behave like this, it will all pay off someday. I know it's not healthy and yet I continue to strive for something no one can achieve.
So, until I win this war with myself, I will be the perfectionist.
