Author's Note: Just so everyone knows, I have not been diagnosed or anything like that. This is mostly what I have felt. Anything mentioning depression or of that nature are just conversations with my teachers and friends. If this is choppy to you, I am sorry. I was trying to quickly write out my feelings. Maybe it is better this way, because it isn't a show.
My bed and pillows were my constant companions for months. They became little lakes by the time I fell asleep. Everything in my life was wrong. Nothing would make me truly happy again. I smiled and laughed at least once everyday, but once I stopped feelings of sadness washed over me. No one was there for me. I never let my true feelings out to anyone. I kept the feelings inside of me. Only a few times my feelings were brought out and written in my journal. Still then, I hid my true feelings.
I pretended nothing was wrong, even though everything was. I was hurt and angry at a so-called friend. She hurt me hard and I felt she should be punished severely and never be forgiven. She didn't deserve the chance to be happy again. I couldn't understand why she was so happy when I was hurting hard inside. My heart was heavy no matter where I was. I felt on the verge of tears at school and I wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I would be a erased from everyone's memory and I wouldn't feel this pain I felt anymore.
I couldn't be this way. I shouldn't be this way. I am better off than some of the kids at school. My parents were still together and they didn't fight. I had food to eat, a place to sleep and I was never stricken by my parents. I had everything I needed and even some of my wants. My parents both had jobs that paid well. I was always complimented on how well I was raised and how polite and kind I was. I shouldn't have felt the way I felt. Still, feelings of loneliness, sadness and anger filled me.
I wasn't supposed to feel this way. I had friends who I knew in the back of my mind that cared about me. I was not alone. I could talk to my parents, if I wanted to. They wouldn't understand. Life for me was different than it was for them. They both came from large families and were somewhat popular in their teen years. They were never alone.
School became harder for me than it ever was before. I found it hard to concentrate in class. I always found myself looking off and tried to reason with myself. I knew I needed to be happy again. I was searching for something -- someone -- to take me away and clean up the mess I was in. I found myself staring at the computer or TV. I logged into Whyville often, because I felt okay there. I y-mailed one of my friends on Whyville often. I knew I couldn't hide my feelings from her. She listened to me and sympathized with me. I didn't feel alone. The TV took me away from myself because I watched other people's problems. I convinced myself that my problem was different, and it couldn't be fixed. I was the only one who had this feeling.
I wrote in my English journal all about my feelings. I needed to do a journaling assignment anyway, so I just wrote what I was feeling inside in my English journal. My health teacher noticed a difference in my attitude. I wasn't the happy, laughing, outgoing girl who showed up every morning in his homeroom class. I walked into homeroom, quiet and only talking when spoken to. My health teacher asked about me a few times and I replied saying I was fine, just tired. Finally he asked to see my English journal, which I was writing in that morning. I said sure and gave it to him. It was too late when I realized that he would know everything.
He talked to me the next morning about what I wrote. He told me I was a good writer and asked me if I was okay. I nodded and got my English journal back, hoping that I could get away without him reading more. Without any thought of my part, I agreed to let him read my English journal when I was finished with it. My feelings of loneliness and sadness grew as the days went on. I noticed the changes my teacher was giving me. I noticed that he was talking to me more and asking about me. I pretended I didn't notice and that I was fine. Everything was fine, the lie I told everyone, but a few people.
My life was full of rain and no rainbows. I longed to have that feeling again, happiness. It felt so far away and so selective. I prayed each night in my bed, praying to have that feeling again. I wanted to truly smile and laugh. I wanted to take away this mask I put on each day. I wanted to be my talkative self again. Not this person I never knew existed.
There was this . . . thing inside of me. This monster that forced me to not be happy again. It didn't want me to smile and laugh without putting on a show. It wanted me to cry my eyes out and hide what I have become.
A special friend of mine talked to me all during my trial. He listened to me and gave suggestions on how to fix things. He was honest with me and told me things will be hard and it may take a while. He didn't lie and tell me things would get better overnight. I thank him everyday silently for what he did. If it weren't for him, I would be a more of a mess than I was.
I think I have just walked past the rain. I have found the rainbows again.
