I gazed out and saw two teacup sized birds outside the window of the church. The obvious male bird followed the female as she tiptoed across the fragile branch of the small tree that bloomed beautiful, white flowers in the late spring and summer. James told me the name of the tree once before he was deployed. I don't remember the name; I just remember that it was his favorite tree.
I returned my attention towards the front of the church where a funeral director was conducting the ceremony. Heavy tears start to fill my eyes as I choke back the words he was filling the room with. I didn't listen and just stared into the distance.
I stared into James's picture that was propped up. The picture was taken days before he was leaving to do his duty for the country. His warm, honey blonde hair was spiked up in the front - a hairstyle of his I have always loved - and his emerald eyes seem to glisten with life. James's beautiful smile lilt up the picture and caused me to mourn to be with him again.
I couldn't believe he was gone. He promised me he would be back and it was a short deployment. He would be here to see his daughter born. I placed my hand gently on top of my huge stomach and watched my ring glisten in the light. Flashbacks of the days when he was here with me played in my mind.
I remember the day James and I found out we had been blessed with a daughter. We were overjoyed and cried tears of happiness. We had been praying to be blessed with a child for two years after just months of being married we found out it will be hard. I bought tons of books filled with names and a box of pink highlighters. We spent hours each night looking through the books highlighting the girl names we liked.
In each book, James highlighted the name, Kelsey. He insisted that Kelsey would be the name of our bundle of joy. I secretly loved the name, but playfully argued with the name, Lorie. James made a face and pointed out the Lorie sounded like a grandma name and that his daughter will never had a grandma name. I laughed and announced that this was war.
I wrote the name, Lorie, on every strip of paper I could find and placed it all over the house. In turn, he wrote Kelsey everywhere around the house. James even baked sugar cookies cut into letters that spelled Kelsey. I once bought a magnet with Lorie as the name and placed it on the refrigerator.
One day after a long hard day at work, I walked to my car to find that my car had the name Kelsey written all over it with Oreos. I laughed and drove home trying to think of a bigger comeback.
I never made a comeback, after I had gotten home and was laughing about the Oreo incident, I saw James reading a letter on the kitchen table. His face was not filled with playfulness, like I expected, it was filled with worry. I sat down next to him and placed my hand above his. He didn't look up, instead he squeeze my hand and kept reading. Once he was finished reading the letter, he didn't say anything. He didn't have to say anything, I knew.
James was being deployed again. He had been deployed once before; he had gotten home weeks before we were married. It was hard being away from him, but that was before we were married. Now, we were married and I was expecting.
We sat in silence for hours on end. He didn't want to break the news, even though I already knew. I didn't want to discuss his deployment. It was heartbreaking to know that he was leaving for months. A few moments later, I grabbed the letter that was resting on the table and read how long he would be gone.
James would be away until just weeks before our daughter was to be born. I was worried about what might happen while he was gone. What if our daughter was born too early? What if I become in labor in the middle of the day when no one is home with me? Thoughts of 'what if's' ran through my mind as I tried to push them away.
I didn't realize the funeral director had stopped talking and I was beside him, looking at the coffin in which, James's body will always be resting in. All of my friends and family started to come up to me and exchange their sympathy and empathy with me. I was grateful for them, but I deeply wished my daughter would know her father and he will be here to be the father he always wanted to be.
Once everyone who had been lingering around left and I was the only one in the empty church, I started to walk home. It was a beautiful warm spring day and I silently cursed it. How could it be happy and warm when I was so sad and cold inside? Instead of going straight to my house, I made a detour to a tree nursery.
I didn't subconsciously make the decision to buy the tree. I was somehow pulled by an unknown force. As I describe the tree with the beautiful, white flowers to the worker, I looked at the tree pulling every detail out of it once it was in my hands. I wanted to remember James and be able to feed off the tree's beauty. I then purchased the tree and made small talk with the worker. I carried the sapling home guarding it with all my might.
I placed the sapling on my front grass of the house making sure the spot I placed it in was okay. I grabbed my small, gardening shovel from my garage and started to dig.
I felt the cold, clean dirt from the earth from my fingertips and let the dirt travel underneath my fingernails. I felt the dirt start to crust on top of my hands and enjoyed it. I planted the tree and wiped my forehead from sweat caused by the sunny day. As I watered the tree I felt the icy cold water run from my fingers onto the delicate, green leaves of the plant. I noticed a drop of water land on a small flower bud. I smiled a small smile as I repeated the name of the plant.
I remembered what James had told me before he left my arms for the last time. I felt his lips whisper in my ear the words, "Lila, remember me." He must of known this might've been the last time I would see him. I felt my eyes start to swell up with warm tears and let them roll down my face.
I placed my hands on my stomach and watched my ring glisten in the sunlight and reflect upon the tree. I felt myself retreat to the ground against my will and place my hands upon the cold earth surrounding the tree. I felt hands placed on top of mine and looked down. The hands resembled James's. I smiled through my tears and looked up.
James's face was there, smiling back at me. I smiled a bigger smile as my tears ran down my face. He seemed real, but I knew he wasn't.
"See Kelsey," I whispered as I connected my blue eyes with his emeralds. "This is your father."
