Author's Note: I'm the (formerly Anonymous) author of the articles "Confessions of a Cheater" (article ID 12100) and "Confessions of an Actress" (article ID 12115). I chose to make a new, anonymous account to respond to comments on the BBS, and now I've decided to submit under it as well. I've decided to try to make a series of confession articles. I hope you enjoy reading them.
I want to be famous.
There, I said it. I don't care what for. Music, acting, writing, art; I do it all. I crave the spotlight. I don't want to have a normal life. It's not right for me. But I'm not right for fame.
I'm not that talented. I'm mediocre at all the things I do, no matter how hard I try. I sing, but there are tons of people better than me. I act, but I'm still not good enough. I write, but I can't get published. I draw, but I'm not revolutionary enough. I'm simply another teenage girl who wants her turn in the limelight, but will never get it.
I don't have a backup plan for when my tries at fame fail. Like some of you pointed out on the BBS, I'm not going to be able to do anything in the real world because of my cheating. I'm a failure. I was planning on college, to become a nurse, but I've given up on that. They're right, I shouldn't be
treating patients if I have no idea what I'm doing. It's wrong. Doing anything with a college degree is wrong and potentially dangerous.
My parents expect great things from me. With all their pressure to succeed, I crack a bit more each and every day. Now, my mother is dying. The pressure is being added more quickly. If she dies, I want to think she'd be smiling down on me as she watched me. But with the path I'm taking, she won't even be able to look at me. I'm a disgrace, a loser in denial, an undercover failure. My mother probably won't live to see me graduate, so she won't have to see me disgrace myself. My father will, though. He'll be here for the whole bloody thing, watching me crash and burn. When my mom's gone, there will be nothing stopping him from kicking me to the street. I'll fail, I'll become homeless, and I'll die alone.
I have irrational fears like that. My parents have faith in me, I guess. But no matter what, the doubts creep in my mind. People tell me that I'm talented, that my music is amazing and that I'm a terrific writer for my age. I don't believe them; I can never believe them. I don't want to get my hopes up for when they inevitably get crushed.
Once upon a time, I thought I could be anything. I wanted to be a doctor, to help people and do everything to make the world a better place. I wanted that for years, until reality set in. I'm not smart enough, responsible enough, or good enough. My dreams are all stupid, impractical, improbable, and likely impossible.
Even if I were to be good enough, I wouldn't be able to do it. I can't perform. I freeze up in public situations. That would only make my fall from grace even more horrendous. Once, my parents made me sing a solo in front of an audience. I was about twelve at the time, and I absolutely did not want to get in front of the crowd. When they finally had me up on stage, I couldn't even hit half the notes. It was like listening to nails on a chalkboard, an endless screeching noise. People complimented me afterward, telling me they never would've done what I did and that they were amazed I didn't crack under pressure. Each of those lies seemed to slap me in the face. I don't know why
they had to lie to me. True compliments are bad enough, but false compliments are the lowest of low.
Maybe now you're thinking "Why doesn't she write or draw professionally instead? After all, those don't require being in front of people," but once someone accidentally saw some of my art. I got a few halfhearted fake compliments, each stinging me a bit more. I've received entirely too many false
compliments in my lifetime. The few people who've seen my writing haven't said anything about it. Silence is better than lie, although it still confirms that I'm not talented.
Don't be like me. Follow your dreams. Find your talent and use it for all it's worth. Don't be afraid.
