It's shoving itself into my thoughts. It's unwelcome, and he knows that. Yet he invades my mind everyday, all the time, no matter where I am, he is right there, in the back. Nagging at me. Telling me no matter what, it'll happen. I can't escape it - no one can.
The pressure builds up in my skull. I feel it pushing at the bone, I heard a faint pop, a crack. It's splitting my head in two. It brings no pain upon me, however. Just fear. But that's all. He continues, he tries harder to get under my skin. He wants me to suffer, wants to watch me give in to him.
Death follows me around. Never leaving my side.
I wonder what it's like, when you die. When your soul leaves your body. I wonder what that feels like. If I stopped breathing right now, if I dropped dead at this exact moment, would people care? You told me you would never let that happen. I told you that there were more important things to worry about - the condition of Africa, the Norway bombings, the sad economy. You told me you couldn't fix those things no matter how hard you tried.
But you swore on your life that you'd do whatever it took to protect mine. You told me it'd ruin you, your world would be crushed, shattered, if I died. Kinda like how I am, everyday, on the inside. I lie with that happy, go lucky, optimistic state just to keep my sanity in check. You saw right through it. You said no matter what decisions in life I made, you would do whatever it took to keep me around. You saw the shattered soul that I call my own and you want to fix it, but you barely know me. My friends can't even see that.
Death follows me around. It's hovered over my head for the past four years - four, horrible years that are like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. My mother's cancer has broken me completely. You don't understand, no matter how badly you want to. You don't know how it feels to watch your mother deteriorate right in front of your eyes, go from a loving happy woman to a vegetable who doesn't even know her name, who only knew that if she opened her mouth, it was to vomit.
Death is always there with me and my family.
You say you'll save me. You'll fix me, mend this mess of a girl. But there's something you don't seem to understand.
You can't save a girl who doesn't want to be saved.
