Author's Note: I wanted to experience a life of an unloved child who wants the simplest of love. But she cannot get it from her family. This is her adventure through writing letters to find love from her family and the best life she could wish for.
Prologue:
What is Love?
I've never felt it before. It's hidden somewhere in the shadows of my life. No one likes me nor loves me. What's wrong with me, Mum? What's wrong with me, Dad? Why do you always make fun of how I look? The only friends I have are the scars and marks that have been done by you all. You hurt me physically and verbally, you tell me not to tell anyone at school on how you're like at home to me. How can I resist when I'm living and treated like hell at home? My skin is so pale and I weigh less than a eight year old. Yes Mum and Dad, I'm 11 but do you ever remember my birthdays or remember how intelligent I can be. No, I know you don't, don't act like you think you do. My hair is so dirty, who knows what's living within it. I only shower once a week, that's if I'm lucky enough.
My eyes are gloomy, dark brown. Though black isn't an eye color you'd think it would be. Don't you love me? Don't you? I cannot beg for your love. I know that, but never have you told me that you did love me. You tell my sisters and brothers you do, but not me. I'm like the runt of the pack, the ugly damn annoying one. I live with fear, from when the sun rises to when the moon gleams.
Why won't you love me, Why?
Part 1: Letter 1 1987
I can understand life can be hard at times. It treats me so badly. I don't know who to turn to, who to trust and who to love. I know that they hate me. But I'm so confused why they do.
I feel like a slave to my them. I'm not sure if I should even call you family, when it seems you don't act like you are to me.
Deep inside my black cold heart is a tinge of love for you, it's a hard feeling that I cannot express to you, Mum and Dad. But I realize I do need to love you, for you have given me shelter, water and food. I want you to tell me you love me, I want you to say that everything will be okay when really it won't be. I want to be treated like a normal eleven year old child. Not to be abused everyday and told that I'm ugly. I know I am Mum and Dad, I know my thick brown hair may go fuzzy and bushy, I know my brown eyes look devious, I know that I'm so skinny that I look like a skeleton and I know my lips are quite plump. But have you looked at yourself yet? You both are wealthy and both have the good features. Who can compare themselves to you without finding one bad thing about themselves?
Mum if you saw the lady in me you'd be amazed. You think I'm stupid and I'm the dumbest child you could find but have you looked at my report cards? I know Nana Lee did when she was still alive. She would treat me with 50 cents which I'd save to buy myself a new pair of shoes, which you never did. I loved Nana Lee dearly Mum, she was like an angel to me, my guardian light. I wished you were that person. Oh how I wish you were but sadly I know you won't be like that. Today Dad and you both slap me across the face for not scrubbing the white tiles enough so you could see them sparkle. Have you both realized how hard it is for me? Have you? I don't believe you do, you think it's so simple, you tell me every child my age scrubs the toilets, cleans everyone's rooms etc . . .
I found myself a pet Dad. Yes, yes Dad I know I'm not allowed to but this animal is just beautiful. Every night he visits me, perches at my window and lets me talk to him letting all my worries from you and the family out. I know if you read this letter you'd throw a fit at me, You won't be reading this letter til you're old I guess. Maybe when you're too old to get off your seat and hurt me. The pet I talk to is a wild male cockatiel and a budgie as its friend. They listen to my worries and talk back to me. I feed them silver-beet that I sneak from the fridge. At least I know they love me. They mimic words that I teach them they even say
"I love you Ariana." I know they mean it. I truly do. Unlike you! They let me pet them, although they are wild I have tamed them. Sometimes I need to tell the cockatiel to "Shut up" because he speaks non-stop. Oh how I love them!
Today at school I won first place in sprint races. My only friends Mia and Tilly told me I have super long stick legs that can sprint fast, but they always complain how I only bring a piece of bread smeared with that icky old strawberry jam and a soft flouring apple. Can't you at least give me a nicer lunch so I don't get humiliated in front of my class, Room 3 Ruby Valley Primary School. Why that school? Aren't YOU rich? Why take me to this terrible school where everyone gets nits and there are scary fights down by the playground. The teachers all smoke which is just disgusting. The class always smells like sour smoke. I wish you guys would come to Open Days where I can show you all my work and my beautiful artwork I do. I have to make up excuses like, "Mum and Dad had a fight last night so I couldn't get a chance to talk to them," or, "Mum and Dad are at work, attending important meetings."
I don't know how I get the time to write these letters. I better start wiping the fifty four windows around the house before you start screaming at me telling me I'm so lazy and all you ask is for me to do some simple chores. I'm too scared to do anything wrong, I'm too scared to even ask if you love me. One day I should ask you if I ever get the guts to. How I wish Nana Lee was still alive, she made my world.
- Ariana xoxo
