I stare out my bedroom window, curled into a ball on the wooden floor. I have a fuzzy white blanket wrapped around me for warmth. It is a miserable autumn day, with rain tumbling down from the heavens, pitter-pattering onto the roof of my house. The grey clouds hide the sun, leaving only an eerie glow. Have the clouds swallowed the sun whole? Will the sun ever rise again? Would this storm last forever?
The grey clouds leave a feeling of emptiness. The rain makes me feel alone. I can hear no birds chirping outside. No people talking, cars honking, or children playing. The only sound detectable is that of rain trying to break through my window barrier protecting me from the outside world.
Though, is my window truly protecting me? Is my room a safe haven? The clouds beckon me, to come and let myself be engulfed in them. Rain drops dance outside my window, saying that they want to protect me. From what, or from who? The rain is there to keep everyone else out, to protect me from the rest of the world.
As I stare outside, I finally realize it. I am trapped. My haven has become the very thing trapping me. The place I once thought was my one place to hide will not let me out. My safest place in the world has become poisonous. That place is my mind.
My mind. A place I once thought was my great escape has entrapped me. When I was afraid, I could use my imagination to think of something else, something wonderful. It is now holding me back. Instead of letting me face my fears, my mind was letting me hide behind them. As a way of coping with my fears, my mind has created walls to keep them out.
Glancing around my room, for the first time I see it as if it were a prison. The walls will not fall down, the roof crumble, and the window shatter. No. I am stuck here. The chains are the fears my mind occasionally reminds me of to keep me here. The walls have been built up so thick even joy, happiness, and hope cannot penetrate it. All that is left is a feeling of emptiness, and the few feelings I have left. I am all alone in my cell.
The grey clouds still make up the sky, and the world is slowly turning to darkness. I don't know if the sun will shine tomorrow, the next day, or even a month from now, but I will hold on to the little hope I have left that one day, my greatest fear and my greatest desire will come true. That somehow my walls will be broken down, and I will be finally free.
Until then, I'll be surrounded by the grey clouds and rain of my thoughts.
