Dear ____,
Thanks for breaking my heart again today. You weren't there when I got to school. Yeah, maybe it's a little irrational to be blaming you. After all, how are you to know that just seeing you for a minute every morning makes my day?
So about the whole "zero progress" thing. I change my mind. I think we have made progress. Either that or I'm totally reading the signs and words wrong. In which case, stop leading me on you jerk. I mean who says and does things like the stuff you do when you're "just friends"? I'm starting to highly doubt that you have no feelings for me.
It's just that I manage to find importance or meaning in every little thing that happens between us. Yes, I realize that that could just be me obsessing and hoping too much. That's why I'm waiting on confirmation. I just want someone to say "look at the way he looks at you" or "he isn't that way with other girls." I want someone to make a mistake and say "you guys are a cute couple" because confirmation from my best friend just isn't enough. Because I know that part of what she's saying is just for my little benefit. She's not seeing it objectively because I've tainted her with my opinions and biases.
My friend on the other hand always tells it like it is. He doesn't lie and say my hair looks nice when it doesn't. So maybe I'll ask him what he thinks of you or how you act around me. I don't know why I didn't think of it before. It's just that he doesn't see you on a daily basis, especially not when we're together. So it'll be hard for him to tell how he thinks you feel about me.
I could tell my other best friend, the one who got pissed at me for not telling her in the first place. She's known both of us for the same amount of time and might be able to tell me things that she's ever noticed or seen about you or us. But the only problem with that is that I just got in the clear with her. I don't want to ruin everything by bringing up this whole problem again. And there's still the fact that she'll go ballistic when I tell her. If I tell her. Ugh. Too much thinking involved.
I am dropping subtle hints to you though. I smile a lot more around you lately and I make sure you see that. I'm trying to help you out here! Trying to send out some reassurance for your benefit! And I hope it's helping.
You know, if there's anyone who reads these notes to you, I sure hope they aren't bored with this. I mean, it's the same old thing every time. I wish I could report some glimmer of hope to them. I wish I could say that you did something really hugely romantic to me. I even wish I could say that you told me that you didn't like me. Because then, I could get over you faster. But I'm not saying anything to you either, obviously, so that doesn't help.
Another thing. I hope the people who do read this care, at least just a little. I know I'm a stranger to them and all, but aside from the very few friends that know about you, I don't have much support on this whole matter, and it would be very reassuring to know that someone out there besides four little ole high school kids was rooting for me to be with you.
Seriously I really do need all the encouragement. Because even if by some miracle, we do end up together, you're graduating in June and going off to who knows where for who knows how long. Then what?
So encourage me. I dare you. If you can be fearless in a fight, why not with me? If you have something to say, say it! You're stronger than me. You always have been. You're braver than me. You're bigger, better. Encourage me because I'm not all the things that you are. I'm afraid and shy and embarrassed and sometimes I feel so unworthy. Say something, because I just can't!
Speak up. I need to hear you.
Please?
~fairypup2
