No one can ever prepare you for the pain of losing a parent. The day my dad passed away, my whole world changed. The doctors told me that I was handling it extremely well, better than my older brothers or my mom for that fact. I think the truth is, I never handled it at all.
November 23rd, 2008 was the day everything in my life changed. One of the people I looked up to most, loved most, admired most, respected more than anyone else on this planet was gone. I was 14 at the time and I can remember thinking it wasn't fair that my older brothers got to spend those extra 3-5 years with him. That they had known him longer than I did, and maybe they were closer with him than I was. I soon realized this type of thinking wasn't doing me any good. To be perfectly honest, I realized thinking about it at all wasn't doing me any good.
To this day, the only thing I can do to avoid the grief is to avoid thinking of it. I think the doctors were wrong, I don't think I was handling it better than anyone else, I think I couldn't accept what had happened. I don't think to this day I even realize what a monumental loss it truly was.
I think to this day I still haven't come to terms with the fact that I'm never going to see my daddy again. Never going to walk into the living room and hear him snoring on the couch, never going to be annoyed by his joke of the month, repeated countless times. I'm never going to see him smile again, or get to hug him again. Everyday it hits me a little bit more, and as I sit here writing this it hits me a little bit more, he is truly gone forever.
I can't put the emotions I feel into words. It's not a feeling that can be explained, all I know is I wouldn't wish this feeling on my worst enemies. I would trade anything I own, anything I could possibly trade to get my dad back. Some people fantasize about winning the lottery, being set for life. I would instantly trade all that and more if it meant I could get my dad back.
The only thing keeping me going through all of this is something very hard to explain. It sometimes feels as though even though he's physically gone, he's still here with me. He's sometimes watching over me and guiding me through my life and decisions as if he were really here. It's just too hard to believe than an entire person and everything about them can just be gone in a second.
The only thing I know for sure is what I feel. I know everyday I feel miserable about it. There isn't a day that goes by in which I don't think about my dad. Even though it's been over 3 years now, I can't tell you how much it feels like it was just yesterday. I really miss you Dad.
