Whats shakin' my broskis? To be honest . . . I missed you guys.
***
PFFHAH how did I say that with a straight face, of course I didn't miss you guys. Well I'm back with some more tips for the people who are socially inept in talking to adults. Yes, I will be teaching you lot what to do when you meet your lady's PARENTS. Now I've met PLENTY of parents in my sixteen years. We all know adults have bad hips and sleep too much, so you have to be gentle with them, like they are babies or something.
Once you've swooned your lady into letting you meet her parents, its time to get ready. Dress classy, this is no time for sneakers and cargo shorts. I'm talkin' tuxedo, bow tie, the whole shabang. Oh, and rent the tux, you can't waste your allowance on that garbage. Drive over in your sweet wheels and park right in the middle of the drive way. It shows how connected and comfortable you are with the parents, and you haven't even met them yet! They are going to think "Wow, this is a fine young gentleman who I can see as the one taking care of me when I'm as shriveled as a prune!"
Once the parents invite you in, be sure to take the mother's hand and kiss it. It may seem old fashioned, but to the mom, it's as if it was yesterday. After kissing her hand for the appropriate amount of time, say something fancy in French. It doesn't matter if you know it or not, most likely the parents won't know French either. Plus, French isn't that hard to fake.
So here comes the worst part, the small talk before dinner. The dad will sit you down in the living room and ask you a bunch of personal questions. My way of avoiding the awkward "I'm an unemployed, stinky couch potato" is by lying. Lying is one of my specialties. So when the dad asks you "What does your father do?", instead of saying "He moved to Australia to pursue his dreams as a garbage collector", you can say . . .
Next comes appetizers. If you're going to be respectful during dinner and eat extra servings, no matter how bad it is, you CANNOT have any appetizers. Once the appetizers come out, make up a quick reason why you can't eat any.
Dinner time! Once you've successfully avoided appetizers, it's time to indulge in the food that is presented in front of you. During dinner, be sure to mention your girlfriends diet. It shows how important her health is to you, and your girlfriend and her parents will think that is very kind.
You have finished your meal and now its time for coffee, tea and biscuits. The dad, once again, will bombard you with more questions, but this time, with the question that defies all questions.
The question you've been avoiding your whole life has been placed upon you in an untimely manner. You're going to need to think QUICK, this could make or break you. Look deep into your heart and say what you truly, truly want to do.
That what I WOULD have said if I wanted this night to be perfect and my quick thinking wasn't so horrible. INSTEAD, I said . . .
So if you did all these steps right, you should still be in the house. If you didn't, then you're standing outside in the cold with the tuxedo you're forced to buy because your girlfriend dumped her glass of grape juice on you.
Better luck next time!
Love . . . occasionally,
Dex
