Sometimes I stay up at night and think about all of the things I would tell you if you were still here. I wish I could tell you that I feel sad whenever I'm alone. When I'm alone I have time to think. I can point out each and every one of my imperfections. My stomach is not flat enough and I'll never be as pretty as the other girls. I'm awkward and and have social anxiety. I overthink everything. I'm just useless. I'm a waste.
I would tell you about the colors inside my head that sometimes fade. Sometimes they change to black and white. I would mention that I've been trying hard to be happy, but sometimes I just break down. If you were sitting across from me I would tell you that when I skip a meal my stomach growls and I hate the feeling of an empty stomach, but I tell myself it's for the best. I always walk slowly to my bed, hoping for a better night. I stopped looking for monsters under my bed after I realized they were located in my head. I feel trapped inside my own mind.
I would tell you that I try not to cry, but my pillow has tear stains on it from frequent nights of sadness. I would say that I'm not the perfect girl everyone thinks, but you know that already, right? You know how I'm doing, you know that I try. I hope you're not ashamed of who I've become. Part of this depression came from losing you. I can't stand living without you, I would tell you that for sure.
I would mention that I always feel at least a little bit empty. I'm never complete. I would whisper that I feel like I'm a nuisance to everyone around me. I would tell you that there's voices inside my head telling me that I'm not worth it. Most of the time I believe them.
I would tell you that I can't speak in front of a group of 7 people let alone a large crowd. I would mention that it gets hard to breath when no ones around, because the thoughts push me down into darkness. Could I tell you that when I tell people everything will be okay I feel like the biggest hypocrite? I think I could. It's so hard for me to get up in the morning, because I know the day will painfully repeat the last.
I often wonder if the story of my life will have a happy ending or come to an abrupt end. You know, it's been almost a year since I last saw you. I've had a rough life without you. I miss you like crazy, but I know you're happy. If you were here I would tell you that I'm trying to be better, but you're not here and I'm alone. Completely alone.
