"Why aren't you ever on Whyville anymore?" "I've been busy." Yeah, right. What a joke. The only thing I've been busy with is self-pity and fear. I've been lying to all of you on the Internet. As if lying to everyone in real life wasn't enough. That's all I am. A liar. Or if you want a better way of wording it; an actress.
How many months have I been putting on this act, wearing this fake smile, laughing this fake laugh? Too many, that's for sure. I don't even remember exactly when this started. Probably around the time I realized the life I've always known would soon start crumbling to pieces. How can I even begin to explain?
For starters, I might as well inform you that I can't deal with change. Honestly, it's the one thing in life I'm absolutely terrified of. Funny, since it's inevitable. Change is horrible. All your life it slowly creeps up on you, altering the little things as you proceed living. Just slow, gradual changes that you don't notice until you look back at old pictures and realize how different your life has become. Then one day, change catches up with you all together and your life will never be the same. I hate change. I'll do everything in my power to avoid it. But change is absolute, no matter how hard I try, it's not something I can escape.
Did you know I graduate this year? That's right, grade 12, Grad 2013! I should be excited, right? I should be out celebrating, right? I shouldn't be able to wait to leave this school and all the pain and suffering it's caused me, right? Wrong. Graduation means leaving high school. Graduation means leaving my friends, my town, my home, my pets, my family. Graduation means leaving everything I've ever known. And that's the biggest change of all.
I'll be going off to school next fall, starting a new life in a new city. But what's going to happen to my old one? How can I just leave it behind? What about my cats? Won't they feel betrayed when their loving owner suddenly isn't there for them anymore? They'll wait a week, another week, a year before they finally realize I'm not coming back? And my one cat, my best friend who's been with me since I was four years old, what's going to happen to her? She's getting so old now, what if something bad happens to her while I'm gone and I won't be there for her?
I'm scared. Fear has been tearing away at me, leaving me broken and bleeding. But how can I let anyone else see that? I don't want sympathy, and it's not like anyone can make it better. That's why I've been putting on this act. I fake a smile, fake small talk, just doing everything I can to cover up my depression. But my act isn't perfect, I'm aware of that. Maybe it's even intentional that my act has its flaws. If anyone bothered to pay any attention, maybe they would notice that I'm NOT alright. I'm NOT happy. I CAN'T deal with this. If anyone actually cared they would realize that I haven't been myself. I've been distancing myself from my friends and everyone around me, only speaking when need be. I've lost interest in the things I love, I never feel like doing anything. If anyone looked hard enough, they would see all of that. But of course, people tend to ignore the things they don't want to believe are there.
Another day goes by, and no one notices. No one cares. I still fake my smile and go through the motions of another day. Only when I'm alone in my room do I dare drop the act and break down. Every night I cry. It's not the fact that I'm leaving school that gets to me. If anything I should be overjoyed at leaving a place that's caused me so much pain. The place where if I wasn't being bullied and looked down upon, I was ignored and invisible. No, I'm upset because this town and everything in it, is all I've ever known. I don't know how I'll ever make it on my own somewhere else.
I need help, I'll admit that. But I'm not going to get it. If I get help that means I'll have to accept change. And for me, that's impossible.
-ocean10kv
