Why? That's all I could ask myself . . . Why would you do this to me? How could you ruin something that was so wonderful? Every day I would wake up and wonder how this could possibly be real. I was so insanely happy that I would become unsure on whether this was reality or an amazing dream. But it was utterly real. I almost wish it wasn't because, in reality, there's never a happy ending.
Now, you guys are probably thinking, "That's not true!" In a way, there can be a happy ending, but never truly. After all, we won't be here forever, and, once we're gone, the happy ending is gone with it. I just wish my "happy ending" wasn't so short-lived. It was not so long ago when we were playfully arguing about which one of us loved the other one more. And, of course, you ended up winning the argument. How did things go so downhill from there? You just lost what you liked about me, you say . . . Lost it. Lost it. Lost it. Those words just kept repeating in my mind. How could you lose something so wonderful? Maybe you just left it somewhere . . .check your heart? Maybe it's there. Maybe the wind caught a hold of it, and it blew away. But it will come back, right? Right . . .?
Maybe this was for the best. I have good reason to believe that . . . but then why am I still unhappy? A part of me wants you back . . . another part tells me it could never work. But the thing is, I want it to work out. I want you back but I also don't. Nothing can ever be the same between us . . . but if we started over . . . forgot everything . . . then all would be alright . . . right? But I can't forget. I can forgive but I can never forget. Not for something like this. Not after the way it affected me.
I wonder now how you're doing. You seem sad . . . distant . . . Why? It was your choice! And you're the one that's upset? How does that make sense . . . unless you lied to me again about why? I know the first reason you gave was a lie. I told you I knew it wasn't true. But no, you kept insisting it was true. But I was more persistent, and you gave in. And after more persistence, I got the new reason. You lost it. Believable? Yes. But did you just tell me that so I'd stop asking? I mean you're upset and if you truly lost your feelings for me . . . then you wouldn't be sad. You can't be. That's just not how it works.
Maybe I'll see you tomorrow and say hi. Maybe I'll ask how you're doing. Maybe you'll tell me the truth or maybe you'll just lie. Maybe I will never know what happened between us, and maybe I will get over it. But then again, maybe not.
Two chances I had in the past two days to talk to you. Did I do it? Of course not. I'm too scared, and I just make up lame excuses in my mind not to do it. First excuse: we didn't sit next to each other at lunch. Sure, there was only one sit between us but . . . I had to come up with some excuse for myself. But what's my excuse for today when we did sit next to each other? My friend was already seated across from me. I can't talk to him in front of her I tell myself, it's too private to say in front of her. Is it really? No. But those are my excuses. What will I come up with tomorrow? I'm telling myself that I must talk to you tomorrow. I just have to! But that's what I told myself today . . . and I didn't do it. But maybe I'll force myself to do it, no matter what. I don't know what I'll do if I don't go through with it . . . I miss you so much. I just want to be friends again. Maybe we could do that? But first I have to ask you. And I just can't seem to do that! What is wrong with me? Just thinking about asking you makes my heart race. I'm so afraid that you'll say no . . . or worse . . . you'll say you hate me . . .
I had a dream about you last night. We were sitting in the cafeteria and you were making fun of me . . . my friend and I got up and left but for some reason we go back in the cafeteria. And you just wouldn't stop following me and telling me you hate me. I kept trying to get away, but you wouldn't stop. And of course, I woke up crying. Now I'm afraid you might really hate me. But I really hope you don't . . .
But I'm worried that if you do say you'd like to try being friends with me, it might be awkward. And I just want it to be like it used to be. What would we talk about though? Hopefully, if you agree to be friends with me, you will start up a conversation. But what if you don't? What if I don't? Then what? We be "friends" without actually talking? I just don't know how to act with you anymore! But I so desperately want to learn . . .
It's funny in an ironic way how right now I'm so worried about how we would act towards each other if we agreed to be friends. Shouldn't I be worrying about actually getting the question out of mouth? But before that, I have to apologize for something I had said to you a few days ago. I didn't mean it . . . it's just that when I get upset, I say crazy things I don't really mean or believe. I don't even know if you'd accept that apology. I don't even know if you'd care. I don't even know you anymore.
I'm promising myself that I will talk to you tomorrow. If I don't I will end up making myself as unhappy as ever, and, of course, I don't want to do that. There's only one week of school after this week! If I don't do this while I still see you, then I'll never be able to do it! We have no classes together next semester, and we won't have lunch at the same time. I may never see you again . . . and that breaks my heart. And it will just be even more broken if I never find out what could have happened if I had talked to you . . .
Ugh! Why do I miss you so much? When my best friend got mad at me recently, we didn't talk for weeks. I thought me and her weren't ever going to be friends again. Yes, I missed her, but I didn't feel the same as I do about missing you. I guess it's because I had you when she stopped talking to me . . . you were my friend. My new best-friend and my boyfriend. But now that you're gone . . . and my old best-friend is back . . . I still miss you like crazy. You were something different than my best-friend . . . you know more about me than she does and I've known her for three years and you only a few months. I trusted you enough to tell you something I couldn't tell my own best-friend! I don't know why . . . I felt something different from you than I do from other people. I just felt like I knew you wouldn't have minded my secret that I keep hidden from everyone else. And yes, I mean EVERYNONE else. You're the only person that knows . . . well, you and your friend that you talked me into telling, too, since you said he wouldn't have minded either. You have no idea how much that meant to me for you to accept me despite that secret. All my life, I could never tell anyone because I knew my friends would never understand. I would be rejected and end up alone. Well, more alone than I already am.
So now I must do what I have to do. And I promise you I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm doing it for you and myself. Maybe we can create a new happy ending . . .
