Sometimes I feel like things will be ok. That I will be just fine and move on. But then, at other times, I feel like I just want to cry. But I know I mustn't cry because I don't think I'd ever be able to stop . . .
Oh, why is this so hard? I just want to be happy again, but that dream just seems to get further and further from reality. I just want to get a hold of it and grasp it in my hands - that joy. That joy I hadn't felt in such a long time . . . until I met you.
But that pure happiness has come and gone, and now I just don't know what to do. I try to do things to distract myself, to make me stop thinking about you. It might work briefly, but it really never lasts. Even during that brief period when it does work, you're still in my thoughts in the back of my mind. Just barely there. Waiting to surface up later in waves of despair.
I want to say that the pain has lessened over time. But that's not really true. I don't know how to explain it . . . it doesn't seem as bad . . . and yet it does. At some times, I feel good about myself . . . maybe even almost happy . . . but not quite. But then at other times I feel like I'll never be as happy with anyone as I was with you. I hope that's not true . . . but I don't think it will happen any time soon.
It's so hard trying to be happy now. But I guess it never was easy for me to begin with. Before we started dating, I wasn't truly happy. But this school year, I felt better than I did the year before. Back when I was depressed. But this year was better . . .I learned to feel more comfortable with myself and not worry about what others might think. And when you came along, and we started dating . . . I felt something I hadn't felt in such a long time. Pure bliss. But that is gone now. And now I'm missing it. I was okay before because I had never felt anything like that before I met you. I hadn't known that I was missing something. It was something I could never have missed before because I hadn't experienced it. And now I don't know how I can keep going without it. I mean, I can go on . . . I just don't know how to do it without feeling like there's something missing in my life. I don't want to be depressed again, but I am afraid that that's where I'll end up.
I wish there were more people that I feel like I could really talk to. I wouldn't feel so sad and lonely without you if I had people that I could talk to like I could with you. It's just so hard for me, but everyone makes it look so easy. I only have a few friends that I would talk to everyday at school. But they each have so many friends of their own . . . I guess I'm just not as outgoing as them. I try to be but I don't think people really like me that much . . . or they just don't care. Either way, I'm still alone most of the time. I'm used to it, but that doesn't stop me from hating it.
Oh, what I would do to have you as my friend again! I miss talking to you so much, and it kills me that you don't miss me . . . I probably don't even cross your mind. Why do I have to love someone that doesn't even give me a second thought anymore?
I realized something today. If you were to ask for me back . . . (although I don't believe that's ever going to happen) . . . I'd have to say no. Not because of how much you've hurt me. Not because of the things you said. Not because things could never be the same again. But because of that bad ?habit? you have. I could never marry someone that does that. And, I know, it's crazy to be talking about marriage at my age, but I have to think about it. There would just be no point in dating you a second time if I knew it couldn't work out in the future. But if you stopped doing that "habit" . . . then maybe it would work. But no point in thinking about that. You haven't stopped, and you don't plan on it. And you aren't ever going to want me back.
I'm going to have to face it. I've lost my best-friend forever. We are never going to going to get back together. We are never going to be friends again. We are never going to talk again. We are never going to see each other again. You will never think about me again, and I will continue to always think about you. I will always love you, and you will never care. I will always be saying hello while you just say goodbye.
. . . Maybe I should be saying goodbye . . .
