|
|
For one of my classes, I was asked to write an essay describing how I felt about myself - in painful and excruciating detail. Writing personal essays is always a sore spot for me. I've always loved creative writing, and thrived on learning new things from the factual essays I've had to write, but if ever you had asked me to write about myself, I just couldn't do it. I've never even felt comfortable sharing anything personal with friends or family. I was never really sure how I felt about myself, and if by some miracle I could conjure something up, I certainly wouldn't want to share it with anyone else.
So with no other path to choose, I sat down at my computer and typed out a big, long, fake, fraud, fictional, faraway-from-factual, fairy tale. I put down every sweet little lie I knew my teacher wanted to hear, until I satisfied the word limit and was able to hit that sweet print button. I turned it in, got my A, and all the while thinking I had satisfied the teacher's wishes. I knew I didn't though. Back in the depths of my mind, I knew he didn't truly care what any of us put down in that paper, because it wasn't for him, it was for us.
The whole point of writing those stupid personal essays, the ones that the teacher always swore would pass by no one's eyes but their own, was never really for them to find out the little secrets of my personality. The constant personal questions and self-reflections that always colored my religion classes and plagued my childhood were always there to help me, and I pushed them away. The whole point was always for me to discover more about myself, and never once have I really tried to challenge myself to look deeper. Maybe I've been lazy, confused, afraid.
It's a difficult question, really though - "Who are you?" I don't know the right answer, but I at least have some possibilities now. I don't think I'm quite ready to share them with any teachers or friends or strangers quite yet, so for now I think I'll stick with my little self-fairy tales. I figure this can be my first step though, sharing the story of the walls I've built around myself. Maybe someday I'll find out what's really inside of them and have the courage to share it with others.
|
