There is no room for judgment here. You can think what you want and say what's on everyone's mind, but that will not change how I'm feeling. I do not know why, but I have the uncontrollable need for people to know who I am. I understand that might sound particularly arrogant but it's more genuine than you think. I want people to look up to me, ask me for advice. I want to be a role model.
With that comes fame. Fame can be abstract. I can be manipulated through the eyes of those who strive for it. My specific need for it is not for any narcissistic satisfaction. I just want someone to know me, and see me as someone they can look up to. I have had this dream for years, and there is always one thing that stands in my way. It is not a physical thing; rather it is something that only I can conquer.
My fear is to fall flat on my face. I have this constant fear of failing in something I pursue. The easiest thing to do is quit while you still have your dignity. Enough is enough. I have had it with this fear that is getting in the way of my life, my freedom and my own ability to succeed. Why should I be the one holding myself back? It is so easy to write on a piece of paper, "Be brave," but so much harder to prove it. I want to share with you a list of all the things I quit in the last 19 years. This list is not meant to discourage my spirit but open my eyes to the endless times I let myself down. With this I can move on from them and somehow gain some success from them.
1. The first thing on the list was when I was eight years old. I played a lot of sports, but didn't like to be on teams. I wasn't shy but more of an introvert as a child (still am). The one sport I didn't have the proper coordination for, was soccer. So I joined a soccer team. I still remember the first game, it was horrible, and all I was thinking about was getting through it so I could go home. After that game, I didn't look back, and quit the next day. I think the reason I joined the team, was because everyone else was doing it. The lesson here is not about quitting, but knowing when something is not for you.
2. This takes us to guitar lessons when I was twelve years old. In my defense, I wanted to play the electric guitar, but my mom told me that I had to start with acoustic. I think it was because we already had an acoustic guitar and she didn't want to buy the electric. I made it through two lessons and had enough. If a teacher is not going to have patience with me, I will not have the patience to stick by you. I had no idea that sticking up for your self, could feel so empowering.
3. "I want to pursue acting as a career, I want to be famous, I want to be in movies." First things first, you have to be good at what you pursue. And if you are not at first, practice. If you don't want to practice, it is most definitely not for you. This is the part where I tell you I failed at acting. That is not necessarily true, but I am slowly moving away from it. There is still a passion for being on screen running through my veins, but that is my natural drive to perform. Even though I am moving away from this path, a small piece of it continues to follow me; my drive to entertain people. And one day, it will be recognized.
Yes, I have quit. No I have not given up. I can take what I have learned in each event and grow from it. I know there is a place for me somewhere. The truth is, it is hard for me to even finish the rest of my article because it is happening in the present. Each word is a new progression into a new mind set. In a sense, you are all experiencing my brain as it moves from thought to thought. What I have to say is not a piece of advice, but something that my heart is telling me. Do not believe for one second that you are not good enough. I know I will make it somewhere; I am just waiting to be placed. As for where I stand now, I just have to be patient and let life do its thing. Your future is coming, please stay on the line.
Author's Note: When all else fails, dance like no one is going to put it on the Internet.
