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Self-esteem is a funny thing. It comes and goes and it is never constant. It's the dependent variable in any given circumstance and it is never something you can rely on. One day, it's kicking in full-force, completely alive and ready for action, opening up your retinas to the beautiful world around you. Another day, it's something that decides every move you make; it makes you lock yourself up in your bedroom and it gives you unnecessary anxiety that starts to control your every, breathing action.
That was me.
No, not the "the world is beautiful, let's all go play in the snow, or go on vacation, or go to the movies, or cuddle up on the couch". It was more like the latter; the never-ending cycle of self-doubt and self-hatred that stemmed from an intense dislike of my nose, my cellulite, my eyes, my bum, and everything else under the sun.
I used to hate myself and my features. Sometimes, even when I liked something, I forced myself to find something unattractive or unappealing about that specific feature on my body or face. Then, I'd just wallow in my own unattractiveness. That was when I was around fourteen years old.
I'm currently seventeen, and to all of you "unattractive," "worthless," "unpleasant," "ugly," people out there, I'm going to tell you firsthand that when you get older, YOU WON'T CARE. There, I said it. The secret is out. Bourne has learned his identity. Bond has jumped the bridge. Harry has killed ol' Voldy. Pandora has opened the box. Mario has entered the lair. Ted has met the mother.
It gets better! It really does. You mature and your frontal lobes develop some more. Your reasoning gets better and so do your mood swings. Suddenly, you start to like yourself again! You learn ways to enjoy life and those "significant," "monstrous" features fade away into the background. You begin to own it all and you become mature and rational enough to realize that nobody is perfect. Those Victoria's Secret Angels look like sculpted pieces of art because that is their job. They are one in a million. And although they do look like goddesses on the runway, at home they probably have their own issues and their own insecurities. No matter how attractive you are, nobody is one hundred percent satisfied. That's just human nature.
It's also a psychological phenomenon called the adaptation-level phenomenon. We all have a neutral threshold for everything: for example, sound, a standard of living, a lifestyle etc. Once we surpass that threshold, the higher level becomes the new neutral. For models, looking perfect is their neutral: they are used to it. Once they go below it and get a cold sore, or a pimple, or whatever else, it goes below their neutral. This means that while they might still look incredible to us, in their own, personal eyes, they look disgusting. Regardless, they become unhappy. Take that in! Your actual appearance doesn't dictate your happiness; it is your perspective that does!
It does get better. You get smarter with age. And so do men. They realize that girls have to be insightful, entertaining, charming, kind, and compassionate. Men start to look for other things in partners other than pretty eyes and a white smile.
So if you're behind the screen feeling like crap, feeling worthless and useless and unattractive, remember that it is definitely not true. Anyone can feel that way. And everyone probably has at one point in their life. Take care of yourself, but remember, beauty does fade. Cruelty and stupidity do not.
With age, it gets better.
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