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Have you ever felt out of place, stuck in your own world, focusing on one thing? That one thing not being yourself? I have. It wasn't what was best for me, it wasn't healthy. I focused on life around me, not paying any attention to my own well-being. I paid attention to the littlest things while I degraded into a lazy, unhealthy waste of space. I've ripped every part of a social life I had out of my mind. I didn't focus on school, home or family, none of the important issues in my life that should have taken top priority over everything else. I had no one to help me to get out of this phase that took up my life. I never turned to drugs or alcohol as I've always been against both and am not one to be pressured into those. This was me for probably years. I was a rewritten version of my real self.
You know how you never start a relationship based on lies? I was a compulsive liar not caring who I hurt or manipulated. I was attracted to attention and had numerous boyfriends in online relationships. I "dated" 2 guys for 3 1/2 years on and off with both, cheating on each as if they were a game to be played on a table on lies. Don't get me wrong, I did love both even though one didn't treat me as I thought I should be treated. I have broken down in tears while texting them that I have cheated. While I continued to do so, I still had the little coin size piece of good in me that was in such a tight confined space wanting to break out. I wanted to stop, heck, I NEEDED to. Over a year ago, I believe, I broke all contact with one of them though we had broken up long before that. The other I was still "dating", on and off, it was a toxic relationship. He didn't treat me well, even with how morally depraved I was. I started changing for him, when it was not worth it. To get to the point quicker, we were kind of recently a "thing" instead of actually together. I broke it off when he didn't talk to me for 13 days straight and told him he wouldn't care if I didn't talk to him for 13 days straight. I gave up around the 5th day. He didn't text me until the 21th day (I think). I was in a new relationship, and for the first time ever told him to never text me again and I wouldn't leave a boyfriend for him again, I wanted him gone.
Long story, medium, see what I did there? My boyfriend has been here for me helping me. I started going to the gym, cleaning the negative outside and pushing the positive in. I've cleared my mind and now know that I CAN do better, physically and mentally for myself. I want to develop pure happiness, and Alan has helped me and is willing to help me through the good and bad. I can't tell you how appreciative I am for him or how I want be the best for him.
Side Note - It's been over a year since I cheated and have gotten healthier. I'm happy, and hope this is kind of a encouragement to help those who need help or were in the same dilemma.
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