by sophomore year, everyone knew
i was chloe.
but i dreaded substitutes
dreaded official paperwork
because they all said my weird birthname
as much as i was chloe,
i was still that name.

xxiv. convenience

i am chloe.
chloe is simple it is a neat, wrapped up, folded present
it is a box of processed convenience
i can just say, "my name is chloe."
without the stares, the laughter, the "how do you say that?"
the mocking pronunciations.

chloe is just another name.
at a convenience store of names,
chloe would be sold for a dime a dozen.

xxv. where chloe is not chloe

at home i am not chloe
i am ______.
michael, hope, and faith are michaelhopeandfaith
my parents know chloe, but to them i am ______.
"why did you change this?" my mom asks.

because people can pronounce my name easier.
so i can be normal so i can be convenient.
so they don't disrespect my name, but why?
shouldn't it be their fault that they were disrespecting it?
not my fault that i have this name?

xxvi. senior year

it is my last year here.
it was a good school.
i had good times.
i realize, i am crying.

crying! for this place.
i graduate in less than four months.
that is such a short time.
and my birthday is also less than four months.
i will be a legal adult.
should i change my name to chloe for real?
then i will always be chloe.
forever.
legal.
official.
the thought scares me.

xxvii. college

(i was hoping for a basketball scholarship to college, but i didn't get one.)

i stayed up late, sending letters, finding a future
shaping my life further and further
does my name matter?

would ____ get accepted as well as chloe?
times like these i wonder how it'd be different if i were still _____.
lying awake in the grass, 2:00 in the night, how can one stupid name shape your life.