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I'm drowning in my own self-loathing, the air around me is suffocating, and the memories that I've tried so hard to cage, surround me. It used to be easy to avoid all the bad but now all my tactics have worn out. I guess that's what depression does to people; it shatters, and takes all the happiness away. It sucks you into a black hole, makes the world dull, and crushes everyone in a hundred mile radius. I'm currently trapped in this never ending cycle of ups and depressing downs, moods that I can't control, the power I should have is no longer available so I sink lower than I've ever been before and it scares me.
I'm drowning, emotionally and physically, the stress levels of my life have spiked and surpassed every other occurrence. My life is chaotic, except it's not, in fact it can't be because I am everywhere I want to be, and yet I'm drowning because finally when everything goes right, my minds defense is breached and I am left defenseless against this monster. Sleep has become more difficult, my thoughts demand attention and my state of mind demands to be felt. Even after an exhausting day I am forced to stay awake tortured by these things. It's an incurable virus; a dark cloud full of all the bad memories and uncensored thoughts of death and it scares me.
I am skilled . . . in the art of deception; the smile on my face hides the broken walls and defeat beneath them. The happiness I portray is false; The responses to the questions asked are lies. I'm good at the game, I've had years of practice. But the years of lies stack up, and this game of deception caused by depression has persuaded me to do some awful things, and I am ashamed. Ashamed of the things I've done, the things I've tried, and the things I might do in the future.
Today, I am alive . . . the tears I've shed could fill a lake and the positive growth I've made could grow a forest. However, it has not, because we are not magical beings; we are creatures of habit and in order to grow we must change even if that means asking for help. Life is filled with ups and downs but it is up to us to decide what memories surround us.
I'm alive . . . emotionally and physically; the air around me is breath taking and the places I've been are filled with beauty. It has not been easy dealing with this mental illness and every day is an uphill battle, but it is worth it. Every day gets a little brighter and every good moment is one I appreciate. Today I am alive because I choose to be.
Author's Note: Depression is a mental illness and because it was recognized as such I was able to get the help I needed in order to be okay. Unfortunately for me it is in my genetics and not just situational. However I wanted to spread awareness through Whyville. Please think before you type because you never know what people are going through and if any one of you ever needs to vent I am here for each and every one of you!
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