Hey, mirayuki here! You've most likely never heard of me before. That would be because I just very recently joined Whyville.
Lately, I have been reading many articles about how bad body image and eating disorders are rampant in today's world of supermodels and teen magazines. How true it is! Every time I pick up a magazine, whether it be "Seventeen", "People", or even "Time", I see at least one ad or picture featuring a beautiful, perfect woman or a ripped, handsome man. They advertise such products as colas, makeup, or even cigarettes.
When you see people like this so often in the media, you begin to fantasize about being them. Maybe because you desperately want to fit into those incredibly cute size 4 jeans you saw at Stitches, or you want that hot guy or girl down the street to finally realize you exist, and you think looking that way is the way to do it. Sometimes, these feelings eat away at you until you can't stand it anymore.
My story is filled to the brim with physical and emotional pain, hunger of the mind and body, and the realization there is a problem. Please, don't get as carried away with being perfect as I was.
Two years ago, I was a perfectly healthy 13-year old. I was 5'5", 130 pounds, and wore size 6 jeans. My friends were constantly telling me how beautiful and perfect I was.
I never believed them. I would always sigh and say, "I wish." But I was beautiful, I really was. Unfortunately for me, my self-esteem was way below what it should've been. Whenever I looked in the mirror, I saw rolls. I saw pudge protruding over the waistline of my jeans. There was never actually any excess bulge there, but my imagination made me believe there was.
One day, I decided I was going to lose weight. I started on a strict diet of vegetables and water, but by the end of the day, I had gorged on a big container of chocolate ice cream to satisfy my roaring stomach.
I'd heard in books about how some women would eat whatever they wanted, then throw it all up so their body didn't absorb the fat and they wouldn't gain weight. So, after polishing off the last bits of ice cream, I snuck into the bathroom and knelt down.
Sticking my fingers down my throat was the scariest moment of my life.
I swore to myself I would only do this is absolutely necessary. As the ice cream was flushed away, my mind told me this was healthy. That throwing up all I ate was the right way to lose weight. The scales agreed.
As I became skinnier and skinnier, I would wear baggy clothes so that no one would become suspicious of anything. After a while, I ditched the baggy clothes and complemented my slimmer body with clothes that fit my changing size. Finally, I came down to a very unhealthy 87 pounds. I still saw fat, but my mom saw bones. And convulsions. I was cold all the time, and I went into convulsions whenever I ate anything. I couldn't fight my gag reflex, and at times I couldn't go near food without getting sick.
I was very skeletal by the time I was admitted to the hospital. My hair had started to come out in clumps whenever I brushed it, and my skin was yellow instead of its usual deep tan (my dad was Italian). I was so weak by this time I couldn't stay awake for more than a few minutes. They jabbed intravenous (or whatever... LoL) tubes into my wrists and fed nutrients into my bloodstream. It was horrifying.
After three weeks, I was let out of the hospital. I was handed over to a support group, and after a bit of odd gagging after meals, I was able to eat again. I realize I am one of the lucky ones.
Right now, I am 15. I am 5'8" and a healthy 135 pounds. I no longer look at teen magazines. They get the wrong message across. They're all about using clothes and makeup to transform yourself, and I believe that isn't right. Being yourself is the best thing you can do.
If you ever want to look like the people that you feel are more beautiful than you, just remember that just because they are beautiful does not mean they are emotionally beautiful. Don't be phony, because in the end you'll be found out, and even if you aren't, you know you're lying to yourself. Remember-- there is no ugly, only different. And to be different is a beautiful thing.
Don't become a slave to beauty. Be yourself. =)
Have a wonderful day!
MiRaYuKi
