Have you ever done something you regret? Anything at all? Chances are you have. But how major was it? And would you change it now?
Honestly, there's only one thing I really regret about my life. But, now that's it's done and I continue to think about it, the more I realize that this is something I wouldn't change.
Almost a year and a half ago, my sister became diagnosed with A.D.H.D. and it seemed like the only time my parents noticed me was when they needed me to help clean up or when I was doing something wrong. It seemed like I wasn't skinny enough for my friends, or I was just too nerdy. I didn't want to try smoking or get drunk with everyone else. I felt so out of place, everywhere.
My dad and I got in a fight one afternoon and he called me all these things (the one that got to me most was 'selfish'). I cried all afternoon in my room, and then I started to cut open my arm, telling myself that this was my punishment for being such a horrible person.
Pretty soon, cutting myself became an addiction. Whenever I was upset, or mad at myself, I just cut open my arms. My arms were eventually covered with scars and so I started on my thighs. Every time I looked at my arms, I saw these hideous scars and I'd promise myself I'd stop. But I couldn't.
I got upset at one point (over a lack of hand-eye co-ordination) and as I tried to hold my scissors in my hand, I found I couldn't. I knew that if I cut this one more time, it wouldn't stop soon enough. And I just sat on my bedroom floor, crying.
I cut for a year and a half, no one noticing. One day, I went into one of my favorite message boards (outside of Whyville). Someone had posted something about people who had tried to commit suicide and failed. I had come so close to committing suicide so many times, and now I was glad I hadn't. I have so much.
None of my really close friends know. None of my family knows. And I don't think I'll tell them anytime soon. It's amazing what people can do when they're upset.
I wrote this article to tell people two things. The first thing is that you can't this to yourself. I know I said I wouldn't change this if I had the choice, but that's because I'm so much better because of this experience. I did some research. If you start cutting yourself, you could bleed to death one day.
Here are some wise words from a stranger: "Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem." And I want to tell people that if you know someone who admits to a problem like this, don't be too quick to judge. Walk a mile in their shoes first; it can one of the hardest things to deal with.
If you'd like to be immature and say that I'm sick and twisted, or if you have any other encouraging words for me, I have no objections to anything. You can hate, but I think I'm pretty cool. No matter what.
Trying to think of something deep to finish off this article,
Giggler01
P.S. I'll save you the time of doing this yourself. I'm a hypocrite. I started cutting shortly after my first article in the Times was published.
