So brace yourselves -- All people allergic to humor, please leave the room!

Joe is standing on the corner of a road with a dog. Jack walks up and asks, 'Does your dog bite?"

Joe answers, "No, of course not. My dog is well trained."

Jack reaches down and starts to pet the dog. CHOMP. The dog takes a huge bite out of Jack's hand!

Jack yells, " I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

Joe answers, "That's not my dog."

* * *

Jane's parents didn't like her new boyfriend at all. He sported vile tattoos, swore, and had a hostile air about him. After he had left, the mother said to Jane, "Dear, he doesn't seem like a very nice person."

Jane replied, "Mom, if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

* * *

Mike and Nick come running into a room, yelling, "Congratulate us! We're brilliant!"

Matt comes over and asks, "What's so special about you two?"

"We finished a jigsaw puzzle in only seven months!" whooped Mike.

"Seven months? What's the big deal? It's shouldn't take you seven months to do a puzzle," laughed Matt.

"Oh, yeah?" answered Nick. "On the box it said 'two to four years'!"

* * *

Two cows are talking in a field. One says, 'Have you heard about the mad cow disease that is going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, it makes me glad I'm a penguin."

* * *

Q: How many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Only one. They all know how to screw up!

* * *

Hmm, well, I can hear the crickets out there in my audience, so I guess I'd better pack up my act. You've been a wonderful audience. I'll be here till Thursday! This is Hermionez, signing off to figure out new favorite phrase of the month.

p.s. If I offended anyone in anyway with these jokes, I am truly sorry. This note is just so there isn't a whole BBS full of complaints. :) And I'd like to thank my joke sources: Reader's Digest - October 2003; "A View From Saturday" By E. L. Konigsburg; and my wonderful math teacher (she told my class the first joke, which is actually from a Pink Panther movie).