Most of you are teenagers, and if you're not, you will be soon. So, of course, you have an instinctive grasp of what's cool. You know what movie's the bomb, what bands rock your world, what new snack food is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Fact is, you've got a pretty good idea of what's what. You've probably thought about your future, political issues, and religious viewpoints as well, whether you admit it or not. You've got it together.

Now, since I know that you are all such confident, mature, intelligent young people, I'd like to ask you one very simple question, "Why are a third of you smoking?!"

I'm not trying to act like your mom or anything. But I mean, seriously. You actually think that's cool? That it'll make you seem like you're "breaking da rules," defying authority, or whatever? Well, in case you missed the memo, it doesn't. Plain and simple. Fact is, when you smoke, you're just playing into the hands of some big-shot executive at some tobacco company. Some big-shot whose job it is to make sure that you get hooked on this stuff for the rest of your life. Yeah, this dude actually gets paid, and a lot of money, too. All just to see to it that you're buying stuff that can kill you. And guess what? That big-shot is doing his job pretty well.

You know all those health risks adults are always going on about? Cancer? They're not making that up. It's the real deal. I could go into a firsthand account of all the wonderful experiences (note the sarcasm) of chemotherapy, but you'd probably beg me to stop before I even got to the bad stuff. To put it mildly, cancer is tough, and there's not much you can do about it.

You're not even making a point by smoking. You're not even being rebellious. Actually, you're doing just what's expected of you. Adults know this. They're trying to make money off of it. Don't you see it? Yet a third of you are still lighting up that cigarette anyway.

You know what would really be a slap in the face to them? What would really mark you as different, or as a daredevil? Just don't do it. Just don't care! I guarantee you, this will tick off a whole lot more people than smoking will. And hey, it doesn't hurt that you'll be saving some big bucks that ordinarily would've gone into some already-rich man's new mansion or swimming pool or something.

So next time someone offers you a cigarette, stand up against it and say no. I dare you. It just might be a laugh.

So long, and thanks, as always, for all the fish,
armada