Hello Whyville! Now, in the October 17th edition of the Whyville Times, bluebag asked the question "What's happened to Fred?" Fred being Frederick Mascherino, the notorious guitar player and back-up vocalist for the emo/alternative rock band Taking Back Sunday. However, bluebag had been misled. The Taking Back Sunday website informed her that Fred had gone to "pursue his solo career". This was a lie. I'm here to report to you the truth about what happened to Fred.
First, however, we need to go back to how Taking Back Sunday was created. Deep in the heart of Amityville, Long Island, New York, a mixture of scientists, U.N peacekeepers and the leading emoes of the time were working on a project they called "Abolish Sunday's"! This was back in the late 1980s when Fred was still known as Freddy Masched Potatey, the only people who had an emo fringe were people trying to hide their depleting hairline and Whyville was a little stall in City Hall's backyard called Huh?ville where her friends could come and ask her questions while she wore a stylish red beanie.
Anyway, "Abolish Sunday's" led their pilot scheme in Amityville, New York . . . the hometown of what was soon to become Taking Back Sunday. The panel decided that after Saturday there would be Monday A and then . . . shock horror . . . Monday B. This caused uproar throughout the youth of the time. They believed that Sunday was a day to lie in bed until three in the afternoon as teenagers are supposed to do. One student was heard to have said.
"Bob Geldof didn't like Mondays so why should we appreciate two of them!?!?!?!"
This marks the founding of Taking Back Sunday, a band devoted to bringing Sunday back to the people of Amityville, New York. After ten years of heavy procrastination, in 1999, Taking Back Sunday was formed. Antonio Longo, Jesse Lacey, Eddie Reyes and Stevie D vowed to take back Sundays forever. However, being in a rock band is hard work and some of them could not rise to the challenge. All but Eddie Reyes left and were replaced by Adam Lazzara (soon to be Adam husband of Bluebag (allegedly)), John Nolan, Shaun Cooper and Mark O'Connell.
There was one problem . . . they were becoming famous . . . too famous. Abolish Sundays was becoming restless. What if this meant the end of their handsomely diabolical plans. A light in the dark came for them when they saw that there was heightened tension amongst the band members. Taking Back Sunday needed a mediator . . . someone who could give stability to the band. They needed Mark Rubano . . . Abolish Sundays CEO and uber-cool session bassist. He wouldn't look too suspicious anyway, coming in at the same time as guitarist/vocalist Fred, a man dressed all in blue . . . a blue shirt, blue trousers and you guessed it . . . a blue bag. Rubano's job was to tear the band apart, strand by strand.
Rubano failed.
Really, really badly.
The band was signed by a major record label and achieved three gold records in US sales. They also became a rock phenomenon and made teenage girls around the world squeal with glee.
Abolish Sundays was displeased and decided to leak to the press that one of the members of Taking Back Sunday was a spy. All of the major newspapers spurned the news but the editor of the Daily Nonsense revealed the story to lead singer Adam Lazzarra over tea and scones. So, Adam Lazzarra, John Nolan, Shaun Cooper and Mark O'Connell met up for an emergency chin-wag to discuss which of the band's newest members, Mark or Fred was the mole.
In their secret underground base, Abolish Sundays hatched a cunning plan. They would release a paper on their research on "The Colour Fred", a new colour that could allegedly be obtained from Fred Mascherino's facial hair. In this paper, they claimed that they had been working with Fred Mascherino for years with his full co-operation. This they felt would give Rubano another chance and it did. Taking Back Sunday turned their backs on Fred and he was later kidnapped from his second home in Kuala Lumpar by Abolish Sundays officials. He hasn't been since.
A "Bring Back Fred" campaign has been launched by loyal fans to try and get the government to expose the truth of what happened to Fred Mascherino and return him to his rightful place.
More updates as we get them . . .
This is Cobd . . . reporting.
Author's Note: This is fiction . . . just in case you didn't notice.
