Author's Note: So here we are, third edition! Whoo! From what I've read in the BBS, I'm glad you guys are enjoying the colum! Tell me what you think in the BBS! Now Whyvillians, I know you want to read my column every week but that may not happen because of these little thigns called projects. But alas, I will try my best to inject you with humour and knowledge weekly.
It was around 11:00 at night. As I plopped myself down on the couch with a bag of mint Oreos, I picked up the converter and began to channel surf. No, I didn't want to watch Whats-Her-Face sing a medley of songs from Oklahoma!, but I watched it for a few minutes just because I'm cool like that. As I came to an old black and white horror movie, my brain decided it would be a good thing to watch.
So as images of slashing and murdering and violent scenes passed through my retinas, or retinae? I don't know the plural form. ANYWHO -- moving forward with the story.
As violent scenes splashed across the television screen, I attempted to hide in my couch. Didn't work, FYI. So I jumped up, tossed the mint oreos, and ran like there was a physcotic alligator hot on my trail with a sharpened chainsaw and an appetite for redheads. I leaped into my bed and pulled the covers high above my head. Images of alligators swarmed my brain and I started seeing them in the clothes strewn across my bedroom floor, when . . .
POOFYPOOFPOOF!!!
A little man in a stark white lab coat carrying various dental flosses and a very large purple sack appeared high above my head, sending a golden aura shimmering throughout the four walls that trapped me inside with the alligators.
"I am Sam the sandman!" he screeched, sending a high pitched ringing through my ears. "NO! NO! NO!" I screamed, trying to fight off the sandman. "THE ALLIGATORS WILL CATCH ME! I DON'T WANNA SLEEP!" I leaped out of my bed and tried to run out the door, but stupid Sam had barred it shut with dental floss. I screamed as I ran to and fro, high and low. Sam had a sinister grin and an attitude that wasn't changing.
I leaped to the very top shelf in my closet and searched frantically through numerous lost items that I could hit the little fairy whatchyamacallit with. I searched vigorously through lost Backstreet Boys albums and old Coffee Cups, when I hit the jackpot. A heavy ceramic 2x2 model of a banana! Don't ask why it was square. It's just the way life goes.
I heaved the heavy ceramic banana over my shoulder and jumped down. Sam was zipping around my room making dental floss traps. "HEY SAND SAM-MAN! SAND MAN SAM-MAN! YOU WITH THE WINGS!" I hollered. I threw the banana at Sam and hoped I had made a connection. I heard a delicate smash. I turned around, hoping to see a lifeless fairy fly through the window. But all I saw was a pointy-toothed grin that could skin a wizard.
Sam heaved the banana back at me. I was really making him angry. "YOU CANT MAKE ME SLEEP!" I hollered. I was putting up a fight, and Sam was having none of it. I leaped onto my bed and tried my own pointy-toothed-wizard-skinning grin. It didn't work because Sam pulled out a tiny weapon, dipped in it the purple sack (which was filled with sand and other unidentifiable powder substances) and shot it at me. He missed!
I pulled myself up and laughed triumphantly. But that didn't last for long as I felt a pang, and then BOOM. I was out, just like when I drank that coke on Christmas, except worse!
As I sit here in a pink fairy costume, giving Sam's llama a sponge bath, I can only hope you have learned your lesson. But just in case, I will sum it up for you lesser-smart whyvillianonies.
LESSON: Do NOT make the sandman angry if you ever meet him. He isn't lying when he says he has a dirty llama that needs a bath, or a little house made of candy. And if you ever come across the horror movie with the alligator with a sharpened chainsaw and an appetite for redheads, there is a possibility you could end up like me. It is not pleasant, let me tell you.
P.S. I recommend keeping a supply of heavy ceramic fruits available at all times. They could come in handy, and not as gorgeous center peices either.
