GW - 68kg (150 lbs)
GW2 - 63kg (140lbs)
GW3 - 57kg (126lbs)
UGW - 52kg (115lbs)
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Wait. Who is this even? Scene missing, step back, where, did this begin? This is my story . . . from a narrow perspective, through selective parts of selective journal entries (edited only for language). Choose to take from it what you will, and remember this is without real context. I just wanted to share my story, like all the other people. There is a chance this won't even get published, but if it does, this is for everyone who has ever felt this way, or abnormal in any other.
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August 3rd, 2003.
i cant control it, i cant take it. nothing is ever normal anymore the only thing i can control, is how much i eat. if i were thin, i could get a good job, and money wouldnt be a problem- also, eating less would save my family money.,.,. to allow us 'luxuries' maybe maybe just maybe this is the best way out... im going on a diet- 15 pounds, that's all i ask.
i will be thin just 15 pounds,
just 15 pounds
and i win
Septemeber 30th, 2003
~It's not quite reality. It's like a totally filtered reality. It's like you can pretend everything's not quite the way it is.~
-Eating disorders linger so long undetected, eroding the body in silence, and then they strike. The secrete is out. Your dying. -Hornbacher, Wasted
what the hell is up with this... i need help. i need help... im falling in a pit of despair, doing drastic things i will regret... help me, im drowning... im going under and i'm afraid of getting trapped under the ice..
January 14th, 2004
i dont know, i just dont know anymore. all i know, is that i have to become a better person so people dont desert me again or ever. 20 pounds, by easter, thats all it takes.
i wont complain, i wont whine, i wont eat, and i wont feel. ignore ignore ignore, i can pull through this, i will survive and things will be good again, everything looks better in the morning.
June 26th, 2004
I feel really terrible today, I just want to die and be away form everything. ALl my few friends need me to be there for them. Amanda who is on teh verge of annorexia, Michelle who wants to die, Jenn who hates her life, and then there's me... I also, and all of teh above. I feel like I can't help anyone, becuase I don't even believe what I'm saying...
in other news im at 134, its glorious. who knew the 130s had so much flab. ten more pounds. thats all, i swear.
March 16th, 2005
she could have said it nicer and not been so blantanly mean. i am aware of why i eneded up ripping my pants, but like, this is not a senatnce that makes it any better. "you have to lose some weight so your thighs dont rub together". thank you mom, becuase i feel oh-so-wonderful about my weight. and im previously aware as to why they rip like that, and such. reconsidering my breakfast choice of hashbrowns and eggs on toast now, thank you mom. reconsidering eating anything. i can't believe how fast I got back up to 150, im such a cow.
in grade nine and ten i gained alot of weight, because i stopped skating but it wasnt all... alot? but also in grade ten after xmas i lost alot of weight. more so in teh spring becuase i didnt want to be fat for kyle. and in the summer of 03, i weighed a healthy 134, bounched up and down and was the same with 04. i was so proud, becuase i hadn't weighed that little since like grade 8. but then life turned sour in the fall and winter monthes, and I ate alot to compensate for stuff going on in my life. and i got fat again. and at first i didnt care, i didnt care at all becuase everyone didnt point it out and make fun of me for it. but then, people started to comment. kyle with his you were skinny when i met you, and Jessie saying have you gained weight and kyle ashley going we can get lipo together like it was the joke me and michelle shared with our breast implants. i feel so fake and phonie worried about my weight, but i hate how i have to be the fat kid. i could be pretty i think if i was skinny. i could be happy maybe even. there are few who have never made a comment. i really wnat to eat that breakfast i was going to make, i need it now. but i guess food is my enemy. i think i'll just eat like, veggies and fruits and milk products for a while. maybe beef becuase it's s'posed to be good for you. no more potatoes or starch though.
May 17th 2005
After this period in her Whyville life, BabyPowdr drifted away. Whether it was because she was growing up, because all her real-life friends had left Whyville or for some other unknown reason, she slowly started to log on less and less.
Anybody who knew BabyPowdr would definitely like to see her pop up in a chat room now and spread her cheer once more to all the Whyvillians. One of her less-noticed achievements was the designing of the Whyville Times interior. You thought Turnip did it? Nope, our very own BabyPowdr drew the submission, and Whyville was very grateful. Say "teleport newspaper" to check out her work.
If you ever see BabyPowdr in a chat room, make sure to say hi, and maybe she'll be able to brighten your day like she did for us for so many years. If you aren't lucky enough to see her in a chat room, send her a friendly Y-mail. Cheers to anyone who can revive her cheerful spirit!
im a fake im a fake im a fake. happy? how the hell do people get happy out of me... im a fake. so good at pretending that what reality i grasped has slipped away in the folds of time. it hurts. i don't want to be a liar. it'd be easier to die i think, to give up and forget about it. but part of me so badly wants to come out on top. im so close. im so. close. i can't lose now. 10 more pounds, ten. just ten.
September 04th, 2005
"'Acting, is about the formation of truths. Not lies.'"
lol thats for whoever it was who called me a good actor and said i was frauding my way.
ten more pounds, im a failure and it feels like I am starting over. how did i gain so much?
Novemeber 15th, 2005
honestly, im dressed normal today. blue jeans, sweater and a green vest. the same damn green vest from campus crew as everyone else has. and what do i get? kids hollering "freak" at me and whipping a burger my way. it splattered off a locker and i continued on like nothing happened. i'll have to admit, it hurt. the thought of being something worthy of bombing with food... like am i that much of a burden on peoples lives that they need to make it known with burgers? i remember last year the stuff thrown. the apple was prolly the one that stands out most in my mind. it smoked me in the eye before i even saw it. and it hurt like hell.
and in class, i was standing at my desk getting some paper and i could hear the kids behind me say "if you had a kid who turned out like that, wouldn't you be disappointed?". i was like, im not deaf and walked out. you dont think i dont already worry that they are upset with how i turned out? you think i dont question whether or not they question what the hell went wrong? and i joke with mom, what if i was popular and a jerk... would you love me then and she gives me this face, but like... somedays i wonder if maybe it woulda been best for me to stick it out with the cool kids and let myself be ruined. i wouldnt care about this right, becuase i'd be cool. cool people are ignorant buttwads mostly, or so they make themselves out to be... and hence i wouldnt care that i was being a jerk.
im a jerk anyways. i just want something that doesnt exist, dont i? it's never good enough, and i dont have any real reason that it isnt, it just isnt. i have to be the best, the centre of attention. i wanna yell look at me, look what im doing now and rub it in everyone's face who ever kicked me down in the dirt and took the time to laugh. the ones obsessed with being better than i am. i want to beat them. i want the revenge i promised myself. and telling me i am better than them for whatever reasons doesnt work. i want some material good filled world to rub in their face.
i guess 90k a year buys nothing but complaints
i laugh about those who worry about me from the outside. the stuff they dont know. "no offence lady, but what you dont know could fill a warehouse..." comes to mind. Lena was all like, im proud of you for stopping cutting. i looked down at her and smiled, and said, me too. then i looked away. becuase i havent. just becuase you dont see it, doesnt mean it doesnt exist. im beginning to see i lie a helluva lot more than i used to. why i hide, i will never understand.
i'm afraid.
so very alone, and so scared.
and i honestly dont want to find out what's gonna happen next.
January 15th 2006
I dont deserve half the stuff I have. I dont deserve anything. Everything is a huge monsterous lie. I am not who I look like. Can't they see through it? I just, want to fit in. I dont even bother to try, becuase it's a pointless mission.
I want to be able to eat again. I want to not fear food, i ahte the guilt that comes with etaing. I never eat more than like 500 calories a day. And even than somedays I dont eat. I can't. I cant give in. I hate how I am so fucking stubborn and I refuse to give anyhting up.
January 16th 2006
fourteen hours of drug enduced sleep
a heartache and stomach cramps
and chest pains to last through the week
disappointment in being so wrong
i feel like the failure i knew i was all along.
the last suicide attempt. all entries from that dayu have been erased, but it will never leave my mind. i am very lucky. the above is from a poem i wrote about it after. between it and the day i felt angry i was still here.
January 17th 2006
You can't sleep forever.
-Oh, but I can if I tried.
No. No you can't. They would come and drag your from your womb.
-I wouldn't let them. I'd die before they woke me.
You say that now. You don't mean it. You love them. You love him the most.
-He wouldn't come. He doesn't care. Forget about him.
I can't if you don't first....
"She lives a different reality than we do. It isn't that she lies, it's that she percieves things differently."
Oh. Is that it? That is all that is wrong with me? Thank You.
But I'd rather be dead than you. and it's not an empty threat.
January 18th 2007
why is it so effing hard? i just dont want to be here. do you not understand?
I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE.
I didnt ASK for this and I definately don't want it. So effing take it back. TAKE IT BACK. I want to sleep forever, I don't care if I don't wake up.
In fact I wish that. Please let it be that I can sleep forever and never wake up.
I am the one who is hating myself. Other people might hate me too, but they could never hurt me the way i hurt myself.
You don't understand.
Nobody actually understands.
Thank you so much for your pity, you are all way too kind.
January 22nd 2006
i was gonna do this 110 hour fast, but then i didnt. i "started" at midnight yesterday, but had waffles at 4am, and a bacone and egg and cheese sandwich, and a grapefruit and rum and a pb and J sandwich and now chocotae chips. so im not doing it hahaha. like i could make it that long. kiik what i have eate today. jaja oh i laugh. ever notice how everythign you dont hear during the day is so loud at night? i love that, feels like finially its saying something that is always ignored but i am provledged enoug to be the one to ehar it.
Januray 25th 2006
does normal exist for me? the one who never eats, always sleeps and reads? i forget what sinlight looks like, is that a bad thing? im trying to get back on track. its hard when i hate myself so much. haha. oh, how i depise my one coveted mirrors. the reflection of ugliness is too much to bear. that isnt true, i gaze upon myself quite lustfully sometimes. i just wish that, there wasnt this thick layer of fat over everything about me. i hate, being fat. i lsot some weight but you cant even tell. if anything ym face looks fatter than ever before. ugggh. it will take time I understand that, but i wish it could be instant. i can tally up for you everythigni have eaten in the past week, and i can bet you it will barely registar over 10 000 calories. that seems like a alot, but considering you "need" 2000 a day... thats five days worth. and i said a week, which is seven.. and i also said barely come up over. 10 000. Eww. When did this happenI wonder? the calorie worry. That was never me before. Calories dont matter. Its the worth of the nutrition of the food. I know that to be true but then... why? a lot if changing very rapidly for me. i dont want that. i want to be in control of what happens to me. i can't control everything, but i can control myself.
North America... nation of Excess. food we dont need, medication we dont want, items that are staple yet useless... big cars, big houses, big lawns, big egos. big pocket books.
Excess. Right here.
Moral Decay. Right Here.
Self Decay... right here *points at heart*.
if there was something that could make me stop the self hate, suppress the feelinmgs of
worthlessness, i would do it. I think. unless it was more of another thing i hate, the americaness of it all.
February 9th 2006
I do NOT have a eating disorder. I just like grapefruit and rice cakes and diet pop becuase they taste good. Is that a crime ... no? You think I don't notice the weight I lose? I do notice. I am proud. I'll tell you what, that's the labour pains of 100 crunches a day and a walk around town. AND eating healthier. I am trying to be healthier, especcially more so now with the modelling and what not. Is that really a disorder?
February 26th 2006
today I ate bacon. BACON!!! thats like 260 calories... i wanted to vomit but I didnt becuase that would be wrng and horrid. and anyways the vomit wasnt so much the bacon as the heartbreak. yesterday I maxed out a 800 calorie day even with tim bits in it, and i felt awesome. today. I ruined it. Peanut butter (100) and jam (90) and bread (170) and then cheese and bacon and more bread and fucking mayo(80) and butter (70). I was going to eat just fruit. Just fruit. and veg...
god i dont want to be fat. i dont want people to know how much i am failing at everything.
I will smile and be gracious to everyone who deserves it. That's a lie. Jesus teaches forgiveness,.... and I will forgive. Not forget. but forgive... if you are worthy of redemtions.... can i decide that? I unno. I'll work it all out later.
I won't be perfect. I Will be perfection. If Perfection Doesn't exist, then Neither will I.
in other news. Sheridan? YES PLEASE
omg omg omg omg. i WANT to go to that school. more than Glendon even, and Univeristy of Toronto, or even McGill. please let there be someone in heaven smiling graciously upon my unworthy soul.
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And it is here thaat I no longer wish to share with you my journal. I am not saying that what I have already shared isn't terribly personal but, it is after this point that everything is different. I can't explain it and I am really sorry. Maybe if I could, it would reach out to someone who is there right now... then they wouldn't feel so alone. I was so alone. I am still, terribly alone. It all of the sudden becomes all together too real. I guess somehow, some small part of me knew what I was doing, hence the entry that I was afraid to become entrapped, and yet I claimed it would never happen to me. Two years of near silence about my problem, and two years of crazy weight fluxuations... and then it was like, everyone knew. Everyone. Knew. Everything.
But I didn't. I still don't know. I mean, I know. But I don't quite grasp the concept the way they do. Someone once said I was killing myself slowly, because I was afraid. No. I am killing myself slowly . . . because I want to see who will notice, on the surface, and deep down so many other reasons that have no words. When the words come, it will be time to get real help and step out of this hell hole. I am an adult, I am not lucky enough to have parents to look at me and say "Gosh you're not eating" and save me. When I was a teenager, I think I wanted that a lot. Someone to whisk in and save my life. It never happened. Now, I don't know. And that's the honest truth. I don't know. I don't understand. And I am scared.
I will leave you with the last entry I have made that has made sense was not just a count of calories and exercises, that I wrote when I thought, that I was finially ready to "recover". Which is a long time coming.
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July 18th, 2007.
am i but a reflection of the misgrievings and deep rooted psych issues of my family?
i look in the mirror and similarities do not escape my gaze. the real question then is, whats the main cause? are the means justified by my end?
is there an end....
or is this eternal.
damnation of my own soul by my self.
Self.
thats a concept i think i missed.
do you remember in first or third person?
i remember via over the shoulder gaze, free to walk about the room. interact with other people, objects.... feelings. do i percieve more than i can literally see? why is it i remember what i wore, what i ate, who was sitting where, what lighting there was, the weather.... the surroundings... specific quotes or thoughts i had, when i remember not the feelings?
memories to me, are pages from a book, something i read long ago and have mostly forgotten. a window to a girl, who is not me. a time, i never experienced.
what has this to do with anorexia, i ask myself.
oh... but everything. the disease that destroys manifests itself from memories not my own. the flesh i shed, in attempts to find that perfect soul.. the answer to my search. the known, is always the unknown. how then, can i make any progress?
rambles from a broken mind.
maybe thats all it is... dementia and psychosis, denial of something bigger.
the alone feeling is the worst. i don't care that i don't know who... or what.... i am. the fact that i am unable to communicate with others.... to accept their friendship, or let them touch me.... is what hurts the most. the distance gaurds me..... from what? pain... i have enough pain already, how can anymore hurt.
i hold my breath when you hug me or come too close.
when you touch my arm, shoulder, or back i jump away.
eye contact paralyzes me with fear
is there no hope?
the answer lies within.
but will i find it in time?
-BP
