So, Whyville. Here I am again. TWO WEEKS IN A ROW. Remember what I said about that Kleenex? Yaw. I'M ACTUALLY USING THE IDEAS. WHOA dream big (Don't ask . . . I wanted to use that line on account of I saw Juno yesterday. Great movie, by the way!).
Anyways, it's that time where I live. THAT time. Where snow is piled high above our heads and we are trapped in our tiny little houses with the heaters putt-putting away to try and heat our souls. We boil water for hot chocolate and eat donuts and pizzas and try to get some sleep as the evil salt man goes buy with the big machine that makes a lot of noise and flashes lights through my window. Oh, it's that time.
But my school never closes. No it stays open. If our principal has to wear six pairs of thigh-high fisherman's boots, ski goggles and a caribou skin parka and SKATE down the icy streets, he'll do it. That's how dedicated he is.
Anyways, this lesson starts out just after school a day after a snow storm. I walked with my friend Belinda (this was before she got mad because I pulled her down a long flight of stairs and muttered about doors being frosted with human flesh). I pulled on my moccasins and a parka and a ski goggles and a moose fur cap. Just kidding. I live in Canada but I don't dress like a retar . . . oh right. This is the Times. I shall use the highly educational and clean words "silly goose". I don't dress like a silly goose. Wow that took some effort�
Anyways, me and Belinda had to go get her brother from kindergarten. I checked my watch. 3:32 exactly. I rushed her.
Truth is, Whyville, I was timing it perfectly so that I could walk home with Chaaaad. Oh don't laugh at me. We have so all been in my position. When you really want to walk home again because there's just a small chance he will push you into a snowbank again and then you can totally be happy. Once, he even pushed me in front of a bus. I know, right? He loves me.
Anyways, we rushed out the school doors and I was running late on walking home with Chaaaad. Luckily, he had spent some time sliding down the ice.
Now let me explain before I go on. The snow plow comes and plows a big hill you must walk over to get to the pathway. Unless you want to take the lame route up the drive. But I don't roll like that. Now, that hill is a DEMON. Because it's very large and very bumpy and very smooth all at the same time. And some bright kids like to dump water on it to make it an ice hell. You can't walk over that without dying. Or looking dumb. Neither of which I was aiming to do in front of Chaaaad.
We made eye contact. It looked as though he was waiting for me as his friend took a few more runs down the hill. This is when the realization hit me. I was going to have to walk over this stupid beast to get to Chaaaad. Da . . . rn . . . thing. I looked at Belinda. She totally caught my drift and became the first one to step over the ghastly stupid chunk of hell that lives in our school yard. She and her little brother stumbled up and down in their heavy duty ski boots before they finally just stood up, and jumped and then leaned over on their stomachs and plummeted back down the other side. Not graceful. Not attractive.
This is when I decided to reflect on my life and see if Chaaaad was really worth attempting this deathly hill. I looked at him. He was looking at me. It was like,
Bow chicka wa wa.
He did that raise your eyebrows twice thing. I batted my eyelashes back. Can you say . . .
Bow chicka WA WA OW!
He was digging it. He was watching me. I had to make this climb and look totally cute doing it. It was a do or die situation.
I took a deep breath and sighed like . . .
Ohmygodthishillissuchanuisancejustletmegetoveritgracefullyandyoucantotallypushmeinasnowbankagain.
He smiled like
Ohmygodyouractuallygonnadoitisowannaseethisandthenifyoudoitillbetotallyturnedonandpushyouintoasnowbankagain.
And I smiled back like
OhmygodIcansodothisandyou�llbetotallyturnedonjustgivemeasecandwecanwalkhometogetherohmugoditotallyknowyouwantme.
And WE smiled like
Bowchickawawa.
I took my left foot and clenched some ice. I took a step up. Everyone gasped. I smiled like Gosh this is easy. I took another step, and another, and another until I reached the top. Now I measured my options. I could be all cutesy and slide down the hill -- or I could be all posh and walk down the hill, or I could pull a rochrox and jump into the arms of my lover and pour my heart out.
I chose to be posh. One step, I looked at him. We smiled again like
Bowchickawawa OW.
I took another, still held by the gaze of Chaaaad and lost my footing. I kicked my foot out and fell back on my tailbone, taking a huge spill and somersaulting down the ice hill. Chaaaad (who no longer deserves italics but still deserves 4 a's) laughed his dry little butt off. I wiped my wet little butt off.
He laughed like
Ohmygoddidyoureallythinkyoucoulddothatiwasturnedonforasecbutnotanymorebutimmastillpushyouintoasnowbank.
And he never did. He took off with his friends and never even helped me up. And told the story and reenacted it for FOUR WEEKS AFTER.
So ladies and gents, next time you have to walk over an ice demon to get to your lover, don't do it. Take the cutesy way out or the rochrox way out. Maybe then you will get pushed in a snowbank.
And maybe not end up icing your butt in public. And maybe not wishing Chaaad pushed you into a snowbank even though you KNOW he enjoyed watching you.
Just some advice.
Well I gotta go win back Chaaaad's love . . .
