Perfection.
Every day, of every week, of every month, of every year. I strive.
Perfection.
Whether it's wearing the right outfit, saying the right things, playing the right sports, talking to the right people, pleasing my teacher, pleasing my parents, impressing my classmates, impressing my school, showing up my siblings, trying to be JUST LIKE THEM, straightening my hair, or trying to be the best student in the class.
Whether it's one or all of them, every day. I can't get through the hour without thinking of some other flaw in my life. I'll be washing my hands and catch a glimpse in the mirror. I'll tell myself my hair sucks today. Nobody is impressed by my hair. WHY didn't I put more hairspray in it?
Or when my math test gets handed back.
Only a level 4? Gosh. I knew that wasn't the answer. Why didn't I do that? Gosh I'm so dumb.
I.Have.To.Be.Perfect.
Every tiny part of my life highlights all the things I wish I could change. For example, I'll be playing in the snow feeling GREAT, and then snowflakes will whiz into my glasses, reminding my of what a freaking NERD I really am.
I'll be hanging out with my friends, when I laugh and realize how DORKY I sound.
I'm too smart.
I have awful hair.
I'm extremely tall.
I'm a dork.
I have bad teeth.
My nose crinkles when I laugh.
It's hard to get through a day reminding me of all the little imperfections I see. I feel. I hear. I touch.
I look at myself and think WHY. WHAT made me this way. It's not the media.
It's not celebrities.
It's not the TV.
It's not the magazines.
It's not the flawless ads.
It's my teacher, who always marks me lower so I have something to strive for. It's not my family who constantly tell me how little I ever do right. It's my friends, who constantly compare people and point out what bothers me most every single day. It's not a whole lot of other people who are a heck of a lot more flawless than I am.
It's MYSELF.
I do this to me.
I compare, I criticize, I. Never. Please. Myself.
Now a lot of you are thinking, Joa, you fool. You don't have to please all those people! They don't matter! Please yourself!
And I say okay. I agree. I tell myself everyday I am PERFECT to me! I AM PRETTY GOSH DARN AMAZING!
But no. I never believe it. I smile, sit up straight, and act confident as I can get. But I don't feel it inside. I pretend to be pleased with my 87 average, but I'm not.
Because to me, there's always something better I could be. I should be a 90 average. I should get higher grades. I should put more effort into my looks. I should control my verbal puke.
A lot of you say, YOU CAN! YOU CAN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A PEOPLE PLEASER! PLEASE YOURSELF!
And right now I cant sit here, and my bracelet on my arm reminds me of how different I am than those girls with the ABERCROMBIE sweaters. That's right, I don't like Ambercrombie either. I must be some weird alien girl from Planet WOO.
So now, I sit here, and think of how far I am from perfection. I'm not going to lie to myself and say I'm PERFECT TO MYSELF. Because I'm not. Maybe I'm perfect to the rest of the world, but I will never please myself.
So this is Joa, signing off to go read "Twilight".
Oh I forgot. I read. Books. And talk about them to my classmates who don't read, and look awkward as always, doing it.
