Author's Note: I apologize most SINCERELY for not being here for what, 5 weeks? I am so so so so sorry. Writers block---other things---my style just got cramped. I am so very sorry. I didn't stop writing, aha! That's not happening any time soon ;)
It's still winter up here in Canada. A cold brutal winter that requires the wear of coats, scarves, mittens, hats, ski-goggles, 3 pairs of pants, ski boots, a parka, and possibly seal skin moccasins at times.
Winter around here also includes going outside to hang out and be all cool. Hanging out to be all cool is considered cool, you see, unlike seal skin moccasins at times. It was one phone call that could have saved me. ONE PHONE CALL ruined my whole life inside and out. It's not like writing an article about the love of my life and then getting it published and then having thousands of people read about it is enough for me . . . oh no. Not nearly enough.
I run off thrill you see. If I could race up to a donkey and smack its behind with a spatula and then it would be fast enough to catch me . . .I would do it for the thrill. I would throw myself in full throttle and scream "YOU WANT SOME OF THIS JACK {insert dirty word the times wont allow here}?! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? COME GET IT! COME GET IT!" Because I'm just the kind of girl that screams at farm animals after smacking its derrier with a kitchen utensil for the thrill. THAT is what I do on weekends.
So anyways, the phone rang and I picked it up. (OMG YOU PICKED UP THE PHONE?! IS IT A BLUE MOON OR SOMETHING?!). It was through this tiny handheld device I learned that . . .(and at this point I suggest if you haven't already done so, you go back and read my previous Life Lesson to get what I'm saying.) . . . I was being invited to a neighbourhood snowball fiiight.
TheSnowballFightMayOrMayNotBeInvolvingTheLoveOfMyLifeChaaad!!!
MY mind raced through all the possibilities . . . glorious, they were.
I dropped the phone and immediately ran up the stairs to do my hair and makeup, which you can't really see when you are wearing ski goggles and a parka in the dark, but WHO CARES I had to play it safe. This was my NIGHT. I slid on all my winter stuff and flew out the doorway to meet my friends and possibly the love god of forever.
It didn't take long to see that my predictions were correct. Chaaad was indeed there, and looking as suave in winter gear as a male model modeling ski boots. Except he was probably wearing more clothing and wasn't made out of plaster. He also didn't have creepy eyes that follow you around. Well sometimes they follow me around, but hopefully for other reasons than the plaster male model.
So anyways, we naturally divided into partners. Naturally, my friends would abandon me and put me with the love of my life. This was bound to be an awkward hour as I trudged through the heavy Canadian snow in full on snow gear with the love of my life.
So as we walked and talked about various hot topics like "Michael Jackson: Transgender?" and "The Best Manhunt Hiding Spots: Can 2 people really fit in that crammed space? I don't know let's try and see . . ." ANYWAYS, I was feeling a little dazed after we discussed topic number two, because well . . . you get my point.
So anyways, we're walking and talking on our walkie-talkie's trying to locate the group that left us alone together, when Chaaad stops dead center of the sidewalk and just stares at me. I was caught like a deer in the headlights of those bright sparkling eyes . . . and stopped and stared at him.
"They're trying to set us up, aren't they?" He suddenly realized. He always has been a smart kid . . . won a science contest once. Of course at this point I was smarter because I had figured out they were trying to set us up after topic number 2 and many choruses of Barbie girl.
"I-I-I wouldn't doubt it--" Leave it to me to stammer out awkward phrases. "I just like, I mean, I just like . . . you---know I like um . . . just yeah. Yeah just I like . . . basically I like uhm . . . you---know . . . just yeah. Basically it's like I really like---uh---well you know it's like I figure you know you like, yeah." At this point Chad just stares at me like I'm a needle in a haystack or something.
"Mhm . . ." Chaaad keeps walking down the street with such ease and grace that I stumble on behind him.
THWACK.
Something hard hits me and I just feel myself tumbling to the ground.
"OW OW CRAP OW HOLY ****** OW OH EM GEE LORDY OW CCCCCCRRAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPP!!!" at this point I think I was shot, of course pain pulses through my head consistently. "I'M HIT HOLY CRAP I GOT SHOT SHITAKI MUSHROOMS CHAD HELP OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OHHHH MY FREAKING GOSH IM GONNA DIE IM GONNA DIIIIIIIE!!" I writhe on the ground for a minute before I heard insane laughter coming from the love of my life. And that throat . . . that mouth . . .
"What?" I ask, looking up at him from an awkward angle on the ground. I can't find his face until I realize he was kind of on top of my on a weird angle laughing insanely. I try to sit up but then a spike hits me in the face. "WHAT THE HECK?!" I scream, because at this point this behavior is just not normal from someone you adore unless they are either:
a) A gypsy
b) Insane
c) An insane gypsy.
The laughter just wouldn't die down. At this point life got awkward because the love of my life was laying half on top of me under a spiky object in the middle of the street laughing uncontrollably.
"Joa?" he asked through his laughter. "What is WRONG with you?"
"I GOT SHOT!" I scream.
At this point life gets awkward because the rest of our friends find us on top of each other under a weird object.
"Uhm . . . why are you two laying on top of each other under a pine tree on Cindy's lawn?" Belinda asks through a dirty smile. She got some sort of sick pleasure out of the scene.
Turns out when I got "shot" I really slid on a sheet of ice and into a pine three. A rather hard, frozen pine tree. Apparently I pulled Chaaad down and he just
WOULDN'T
STOP
LAUGHING.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT WAS SO FUNNY ABOUT IT. I HAVE BAD CHOICE IN MEN.
Turns out the HILARIOUS part was, that Cindy's MOM saw the whole thing happen through her living room window. CINDY'S MOM SAW ME PULL SOMEONE ON TOP OF ME AND ROLL UNDER A PINE TREE.
WHAT KIND OF SICK PERVERTED 13 YEAR OLD DOES THAT?!
So now, as if that wasn't bad ENOUGH, Cindy's mom rushed outside WITH THE SHOVEL and started beating us because she thought we were weird robbers who enjoy burrowing holes underground or something.
So now, with 5 of my classmates, 1 lover, and 1 shocked and concerned mother, I had to explain WHY THE HECK A BOY WAS ON TOP OF ME UNDER A PINE TREE and why I was letting this happen.
Yeah, right I'm gonna confess my love to chaaad under a pine tree with a shovel and a classmate on top of me.
So I blamed it on uncontrolled spasms due to the cold.
Nobody bought it.
Now Belinda is REALLY ignoring me . . .
