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That's not my name. That's a name I gave to myself in a time when I thought a pseudonym could make me into a different person. I thought when I left high school that if people regarded me as Ellie, that the girl I was, by the name of Kyle, would cease to exist. I would have a blank page to work with to mold a new and wonderful version of me that would block out any presence of the former. The thing is, I can change my name. I can move across the country or even to a new country. I can run, and run I have tried, but I cannot escape who I am. Names, places, new friends, new relationships, new jobs, new schools . . . it's a mask that cannot hide the truth.
It took me a long time to realize this. I always believed that I could remodel myself into something I would like, and then people would like me too. I was blind to see that the people who I love, and love me back, love me for me. It doesn't matter what I do, I cannot change who I am. The foundations for my being were laid almost twenty one years ago, deep rooted into social beliefs and morals, Christian values and emotional concepts that aren't easily dug up and turned over. I mean, I grew up a certain way, taught to believe and value things that sometimes I wish I didn't put such a burden on my shoulders but I couldn't ever fathom dropping the load and being free from it. The freedom I would feel would be chained down to the things I left behind because I am conscious of the consequences of such an action.
I want to tell everyone everything about me and my fabulous journey through childhood and into the beginnings of my being an adult. I want to open up and say listen to me, I have been there and I have seen it, I understand. I do understand, to a degree. I will admit everyone is different, but I do feel like I could connect with many on many subjects. The sad part is I feel when I open my mouth to speak, my words fall on deaf ears. I have transcended the boundaries of which a teen listens to another teen with their eyes wide in awe and admiration. I have become that thing which teenagers despise and ignore, despite being only 4, 5, maybe 6 years older than you. But, I know. I did it too.
I was told everything that I know now, years and years ago by my parents and my aunts and uncles and even teachers, and I ignored everything they said and went about things the hard way. Sometimes, I wonder if some small part of me did believe and that is what made this realization so possible. I don't mind that you don't listen to me, that you cannot see things as objectively or that you have little faith in the messages I bring to you. I feel tired and drained when this happens, I really do just want you to see that things aren't as bad as they seem. That you are all strong and you will survive this. It's so hard to believe, its a hard concept to hold onto as it seems to pass with the seasons and slip through your grasp but, it's the truth.
So often I am told I am wise and knowledgeable on a variety of subjects. That I have this air about me that you are often drawn into because I have experienced so much. I am grateful that you think me so wise and so experienced but the truth is, my wisdom came after the fact. The experience I hold is often in the wrong areas of life. There is not much I can do with the struggles and triumphs other than reflect them back into society and try and lend a helping hand to those of you passing through the darkest hours of your lives, to date.
Yes. I have an anxiety disorder. I have gone through so much sadness and periods of depression. I survived a few suicide attempts and I used to inflict self harm upon myself. I have no way to classify my eating disorder whether it is active or not, I have no words for a lot of the things I feel. I try and write and create art to tell the story instead. Yes. It is honestly easier for me to list the drugs I have never done than the ones I have, I will admit that there were periods where I was really heavy into cocaine and before that ecstasy, I used to binge drink and be drunk for days on end. I had a boyfriend for three years with the most bizarre relationship I think, and near the end it was borderline abusive. Losing him through me into another downward spiral where I subsided on sorrow, cocaine, and starvation to save me.
I don't have an excuse for any of this other than one time my friend said about me, "She's looking for love in all the wrong places". I can only look back on these days and my journal entries and say, that I was looking for love in the wrong places. That I did an amazing job destroying myself. That now, I can remember being upset and sick, but I cannot really understand my desperation with which I wrote. Which I had promised myself to never forget. I haven't forgotten, I just started growing up. It's sad to think, that I cannot feel the pain I once felt merely by rereading my words sprawling across pages and pages of diaries and the internet, but I think it was kind of inevitable.
So when I say I understand, to a degree, what I mean is that I understand. I understand how you can feel down and out, how you can turn to drugs and alcohol or boys or disorders and isolation and self harm, but I can't feel the same way I used to about it all. I have compassion for you all, really I do. I might come across as heartless at times because no longer do I believe in furthering the issues but instead, I think looking to the bright side is the best thing you can do. Sometimes, people don't want to hear that. That isn't helpful. Well, neither is it for me to sit here and pity you and enable you to stray down these dark paths. I cannot save you. Nobody can save you. There is no knight in shining armor coming to the rescue, it's a choice YOU have to make for YOU.
But, of all the bad things in my life, made me who I am today. The abuse of bullies and interesting home experience of my younger years, to the drugs and need for control in the later of my teenage years has shaped me into the wonderful person I am. I wouldn't change a minute of it, honestly.
The beauty I found in the underground, the untalked about and in the darker things of life has made me appreciate people and art and music and everything I experience in my life so much more. The hatred and contempt I had towards people taught me that people are people. I shouldn't be so angry. I wish, I only wish I had the time to tell you all I could.
Do I have a point to a lot of my stories? No. Why should I end anything with a definite point. You are unique individual people and you will take from my life what you will. I can hope you see and fee the same way about things that I did or do, but I cannot make you. Some of you will read the things I have written and have no idea what I am talking about and as sad as this makes me, that's okay. Others will read and hopefully feel less alone, that there is hope. There is always hope. In the end, Hope is all we have.
I probably come off as a punk with a bad attitude, which is true. I do have a bad attitude, well I did. I am not a punk, I never was. I am me. I might come across as goth to some, or an artfreak, or a hippie, or even a feminist, but those are just labels on the outside. The goodness is on the inside of the can, so forget the can. You can't eat the can, you have no use for it. It's trash, so put it in the blue bin and move on. I agree that I look like I didn't care for anything in the world but myself, which is the opposite. I care too much for the things outside of my being that I get really down and out on myself for not being a better person. I grew up without religion, but with Jesus in my life. I was taught objectively his teachings and it really has made an impact. I mean, I go on about what would Jesus do a lot, don't I? Some will say anyone who has done the bad things that I have, doesn't have Jesus in their life. I think, this is merely something that we should not cast judgment on. To each his or her own. But regardless of this harsh exterior, on the inside I am a dork.
I love Star Wars, I have seen every episode of the original "Star Trek", and I love love love science fiction despite my refusal to admit it. I have read more books than you could imagine, I read all the time. By the time I was in grade eight I had read every novel in my school's library and by the time I was in grade ten I have finished off all the books in the public library's teen collection. I like rocks, and stamps, and obscure facts. I played with Barbies until I was 15. I have three goldfish who I actually hang out with everyday and talk to. I get excited over theater shows and I am considered gifted by the education system. My IQ score when I was 15 was 158. I like high end fashion and drive through McDonald's. I am so diverse and deep I can't even begin to tell you my interests, but the point is there isn't just one facet to my life.
So I guess what I want to say to everyone is that I care about you. I don't know you, I will probably never know you, but I still care. I wish I could take the pain away from everyone who is suffering but I can't. All I can do is listen when you speak and try and teach from my own experiences. You don't have to listen or believe me, I cannot and will not make you. I just want you to know that I have been there too. I made it. I made it through the hell that I thought I was trapped in. You can too, and you will. You are all strong beautiful people who will realize everything in due time. People can't learn things for you, life is about getting dirty and breaking bones, dirt comes out and bones heal. Every scar is a trophy. Don't be afraid to make mistakes. That's how you learn. Sometimes there won't be an eraser at hand, or you may never be able to rub it out, but that's okay. Everything is okay, and it's going to be that way. Someone once said, "In the end, everything will be okay. If it's not okay, then it's not the end". I think this is the most true statement that can be made about life.
Everything, is going to be okay.
Love,
Ellie
-BP
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