Every year, across the whole entire planet, unfortunate school plays are planned and executed. Now, it's a known fact that 93 percent of these unfortunate plays come straight out of my school.
And I'm in 64 percent of those 93 percent. In 31 percent of that 64 percent I'm 27 percent less likely to get a lead role 78 percent of the time.
Yeah, that made no sense but I haven't had a real "mathematically based" life lesson yet. Always experience new things, I say. Always do.
So anyways, now that I've had a total of one experience this whole "Life lesson", I can now begin to fill you all with knowledge(this is where you OOOH and AAAH in anticipation . . .).
Did you do it? Cause if you didn't, y'all might have no eyes tomorrow.
So back to the whole 'school plays' situation, yes that actually did have something to do with the following waterfall of knowledge, believe it or not I'm not THAT random. This year our school decided to put on a certain play having to do with certain people in a certain part of a certain country.
I'm going to go ahead and protect my identity here, and point out that in this play I may or may NOT be a male ballet dancer with like, four lines. Why is this so great for all of you?
a) I can't dance, let alone keep my balance while performing a ballet. (Look out beloowwwww)
b) I am female, therefore this is just awkward on so many levels.
So why does this benefit you?
Because, surely enough, with a grand total of four lines, I'm sure to embarrass myself to DEATH, almost literally.
So at this part in the play, where I am being all manly, laying on the edge of the stage bein' all pimpin' with my women at a picnic, I'm supposed to jump up and yell something. A simple task, yet so difficult for me, well, being me and all.
Play practice is boring, let's get that much straight before I continue on with my onward train of knowledge that could save you all various nicknames.
So I'm sitting there wheelin' mad broads and a picnic, being all manly you know, with like, my Aero sweater and applebottom jeans and all. I'm just kidding, by the way. You know I would never in a million years wear an Aero sweater.
Play practice is boring, as I pointed out a few seconds ago, unless you're really illiterate then you may have passed it minutes ago, and if you are blind you would have never passed it, but it's okay because if you were blind you probably wouldn't be reading this now which means you don't have to know that play practice is boring to know that it's still boring. If that made sense to anyone I'm worried.
So the director starts rambling about stage placement. Blah Blah Blah. I am so NOT affected by her whatchyamacallems, like, ya. I have a short attention span, so while she's discussing the proper form for hugging your love or something because she wanted 'real feeling', I start daydreaming.
Side note: Okay, so I refuse to let this be about Chaaad, I really really refuse. This will not become the Chaaad column This is about life lessons and knowledge so you can just stop asking me for his e-mail and stuff, okay? Because ya.
Sorry, all you Chaaad-playa-hatas, but he's involved.
Well, of course there's talk about true love, I can't NOT look at Chaaad.
This is where the situation gets awkward, but this is not the peak. Not yet.
So picture a man, laying on a stage surrounded by women, checking out another man. Uh huh. That's me and Chaaad. Now, picture that man as not even a hot man, but a rather feminine man with weird red hair and girls clothing on. That's how I roll, what can I say?
This is where I totally tune out. This is when I start thinking not even like the man I am. I'm like,
"I need to file my nails,"
"Chaaad is SO CUTE in dat POLO AMGZZ"
"Mark and Lulu make such a CYOOT CUPPLE!"
"EW what the heck is under my nail?"
"I wonder what?s for dinner . . . "
"Chaaad"
"Chaaad"
"My lips are really dry because I have no lip chap, better lick 'em"
"What is Amy doing with her face?" Insert giggle here.
This is when I notice about 31 eyes turning to stare at me.
OH! I think. This must be my time to jump up and yell my line!
I leap to my feet, yell "NOOOOO!" and there is a terrible consequence.
Because no matter how fast I leaped to my feet, they definitely never hit the floor. They toppled right out from underneath my manly figure and into oblivion. This means, yes, I threw myself off the stage onto the cold floor of the gymnasium. While everyone watched. Chaaad included.
Now, I don't remember much after that. Some say I hit my head pretty hard and went to the hospital. Others say I burst out laughing and got taken to a loony bin.
All I know, is I am currently sitting in a flashing room with mysterious noises, forming this story in my mangled head.
The advice I give you? Stay on task.
Because, it turns out, everyone was looking at me because I looked like a man, checking out Chaaad, and licking my lips. Turns out this wasn't even the scene where I jump up and say my line, so it looked like I tried to save myself some despair because Chaaad was hugging another woman or something. I guess I can't blame them. How would you react if you saw a girl-man checking out a man and then throw himself of the stage at the exact moment the man he was checking out hugged a woman?
Or so I hear that's what happened. I gotta go SPONGE BATHE myself. And I also gotta go let the tiny little people out of the back of the TV before the big orange guy catches me.
-OUT.
