BAM
CHICKA BAM.
WOWOW.
SHICKISHICKIOWWW.
WAHWAHWAHWOOO.
You know the feeling when you see someone with insanely amazing features, where you're all like OMGWHATTHEHECKISWRONGWITHTHATPERSON!!
OWAITTHEY'REJUSTINSANELYATTRACTIVEOMGGETMESUMMATHATSUNNNN!
That's indeed how this strange event occurred.
Every year, our town has this sad little amusement park company come and set up some churning machines people like to sit in and be thrown around inside of until they puke up the jalepeno cheese pretzels and blue cotton candy they ate for breakfast. Trust me, I've seen it, do NOT want to go back. They even have a foreign pretzel man who got mad at me because I couldn't decide between salted or unsalted. You see salted pretzels have A LOT of salt, therefore they churn up your stomach on rides and I didn't need a repeat of the time I threw up on Sean which was not pretty. But unsalted is very bland, and after seeing that yellow and blue substance seep through the metal mesh, I did not want jalepeno cheese. He got so angry I had to go to a foreign french fry man instead.
They also do these odd events where they give away playboy bunny applique pillows and sometimes, if you're lucky, you get to see a cow get chased around an arena. Once, I even saw a small child eat their entry bracelet. It was both exciting and unusual and gave me bad dreams about being force fed my friend's dog for weeks, for some odd reason. Last year, they even had a large plastic farm animals with rubber things you pulled and white liquids (I think they were supposed to be milk? But who really knows these days, I mean, I thought those long stick things were supposed to stir your drink but apparently not)came out! Quite an exciting event! But not nearly as exciting as what happened next.
As we were walking down the walk of enthralling machines, which wasn't even that enthralling yet as exciting as it gets in a small town. I was strutting some of my insanely amazing stuff when suddenly I saw the god of loveliness. He was standing there with a large blow up hammer, which shows his class because he was not at the playboy bunny tent, holding french fries which shows that he was probably yelled at by 'Pritzell Mahn' with large accent as well, and chewing gum that, from this distance, looked like spearmint. He was just standing in the sunlight like he didn't know how amazingly fiiiiiine he was. I think he realized we were perfect for each other too, because when he saw me staring at him he gave me the same look my cousin gives me when I tell her not to stick markers up her nose, which is surely a sign of his love for me.
"Oh my gosh," I whispered as I wiped the drool off my chin and tried to make it look like the reason I stopped and stared at the gorgeous view was because I suddenly realized I forgot something or something. But my friends can read right through me or something, so they totally saw the love oozing out of my pores.
I tried to walk impressively passed the amazing gorgeous man, and it was going amazingly well considering who I am. I'm pretty sure he was totally in love until my friends both leaped into action, thrusting me across the sidewalk and into the arms of the vision of hotness.
THWACK.
CHUNKCHOWW.
WIKKIOWW.
POWPOWPOW!!!
The sound effects of love! Through all these sounds in my ears I heard, "WHAT THE HECK?" and I proceeded to get thrown back across the walk, rejected by my love, but that is not the whole story. This is just the beginning of the lesson!
About half an hour later, after creepy guys in leather hugged me for no apparent reason, and my friend got boy horks all over her shirt, and I realized the true meaning behind those stick things that were not drink stirrers, but something else I do not want to talk about, we were on a ride.
THe ride was an odd structure of sorts, where they strap you into a box and then you spin around upside down in circles. I was chit chatting away with my friend who was screaming, when suddenly I had a huge life-changing epiphany.
I had spearmint gum in my mouth.
"THAT IS NOT MY GUM!" I screamed, and spat the gum out on the ride operator below, who picked it out of his hair and proceeded to eat it. "Ew," I sighed, because I just could not think of any way in which I could have contracted gum in the past half hour. Well there was that one garden gnome, but like, I don't think anyone stuck gum on him, or at least I didn't see any when . . .
Okay. Never mind. Way off topic here. The point of this story was not to tell you about my experience with garden ornaments.
As I stepped off the ride, still really shaken by the whole gum-in-my-mouth-thing, and also the whole garden gnome ordeal, I mean, it's not like people haven't done it before, I mean, come on guys DON'T JUDGE ME!
So as I stumbled of the ride and the ride operator shot me a wink and a thumbs up, I just kind of got scared-er because he was chewing some garden ornament's gum.
"THAT'S HER! THAT'S THE CHICK THAT TOOK MY GUM!" I heard a yell across the crowd, and suddenly visions were all coming back to me. The plastic hammer, the gnome, the french fries, the playboy bunny tent.
And thus, the lesson this week, is to avoid acknowledging perfection when seen, or your friends will push you into it and you will end up with someone else's gum in your mouth for a half hour, and then possibly pass it on to a ride operator, and then admit your garden ornament obsession to a bunch of people you met online and probably think you're an odd child now, if not before when they heard about the dog tail biting incident. Please, don't end up like me, or you WILL end up sponge bathing your love's chickens as payment for stealing his gum. And possibly get beaten with a blow up hammer.
Please note this lesson only applies to people who view this as a negative event.
Please also note that when asked about the subject, Rochrox noted that ice mint was a better flavor than spearmint. Please note Rochrox also provided the spelling of spearmint, so if the spelling is wrong it's her fault.
